Philosophy Recycled

Car Key your best Alarm System

2011-12-29T20:51:00.000-08:00

From My InBox:

What to take to bed with you - not a joke .

Pretty neat idea. Never thought of it before.

Put your car keys beside your bed at night.

Tell your spouse, your children, your neighbours, your parents, your Dr's office, the check-out girl at the market, everyone you run across. Put your car keys beside your bed at night.

If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies.

This tip came from a neighbourhood watch coordinator. Next time you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of this: It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Test it.

It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key fob chain.

It works if you park in your driveway or garage. If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break into your house, odds are the burglar/rapist won't stick around.

After a few seconds all the neighbours will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that.

And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there. This is something that should really be shared with everyone. Maybe it could save a life or a sexual abuse crime.

P.S.

I am sending this to everyone I know because I think it is fantastic.

Would also be useful for any emergency, such as a heart attack, where you can't reach a phone.

My Mom has suggested to my Dad that he carry his car keys with him in case he falls outside and she doesn't hear him.. He can activate the car alarm and then she'll know there's a problem.

Please pass this on even IF you've read it before. It's a reminder.

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years

2011-12-29T20:48:00.000-08:00

From My InBox:

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years ‪‬

Interesting Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned: The next time Charles gets married, someone should
warn the Pope

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST...

2011-12-29T20:46:00.000-08:00

From The Laughter Club:

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL. THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the...

2011-12-29T20:37:00.000-08:00

From My InBox:

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop...

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix them, put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

Try doing it with the engine running.

THE DANGER OF USING WARM/ HOT WATER DISPENSER !!

2011-12-29T20:34:00.000-08:00

From My InBox:

        Do not forget the Tea/Coffee in Coffee house and Hotel !!

        Sin Chiew's article on re-boiled water......spells danger!

        See Attachment in Chinese media.
        Translated version as follows:-

        THIS IS NOT A NEW DISCOVERY BUT MANY OF US JUST IGNORE IT ALL THE WHILE!

        A pharmacist report from Singapore warn people NEVER to keep boiling your drinking water!!

        Report Summary: TOP harmful chemical named (Toxic Nitrate) is produced in water when you keep boiling it!! This harmful substance had been proved to increase the chances of intestinal and stomach cancer.

        IF you are currently using a 'WATER DISPENSER with WARM / HOT WATER Functions' or 'Electric AUTO keep warm Thermos' for your convenience , STOP IT NOW otherwise you would be killing yourself slowly as well as your loved ones!!

        NOWADAYS, there are so many drinking water companies which OFFER FREE WATER DISPENSER when you order drinking water from them! THINK WISELY before you order!

        YOU might get FREE water dispenser but in fact you would be paying with your OWN HEALTH!!

Three Holy Men and a Bear

2011-12-29T20:32:00.000-08:00

From the Laughter Club

Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper
Peninsula of Michigan .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
God , he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you
KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And
then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him
and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as
a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in
a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not
have been the best way to start.

BRA Skills

2011-11-23T04:11:00.000-08:00

You think you know all about bras?

From My InBox:

Q: Which is the striped BRA? zeBRA

Q: Poisonous BRA? coBRA

Q: Mathematical BRA? algeBRA

Q: Zodiacal BRA? liBRA

Q: Magical BRA? aBRAkadaBRA

Q: Religious BRA? BRAhmin! BRAhma!

Q: Metallic bra? BRAss

Q: Anjelina Jolie's Bra? BRAd pit...

Q: Botany BRA? BRAnch

Q: Marketing BRA? BRAnd!

Q: puctuation bra? BRAcket

Q: Scary bra? GhaBRAahat!!!!

Q: A room where BRA's are kept? LiBRAry

Q: Bra which became the American President and inspired the whole world? ABRAham Lincoln!

Q: Which bra is very important for any vehicle? BRAke

Q: Brave Bra - BRAvado

Q: Donkeys language? BRAying

Q: Where do naughty thoughts originate? BRAin

AND U THOUGHT ONLY WOMEN USE A BRA ???

Stroke - Symptoms and Prevention

2011-11-22T21:58:00.000-08:00

From My InBox:

Three years ago I was struck down by a stroke. Three years later I am still stricken with the malady. In the beginning, I asked doctors about the condition and was told that there is no cure for stroke. . I asked about the symptoms and was told there are no symptoms meaning a stroke will attack a person suddenly, without warning. That is bad news, very bad news.

Following my own advice, I did not believe that. So, I thought back to my experiences and I found that there are plenty of signs that a person is susceptible to an attack of the deadly stroke. Hah! If you cannot cure it at least you can prevent it. That is what we should all do. We must choose to avoid the stroke or be condemned to consuming tons of pills whose veracity is questionable. How do we go about that, how can we prevent stroke. Will it be expensive? Will it be time consuming? Before we go into details let us first recognize the symptoms, the signs if you like.

More than thirty years ago, while reversing my car, I suddenly found that I could not move my right leg. It simply refused to obey me. I went to see a doctor immediately and all I got was two days medical leave. That was the first sign that I was heading for a stroke. After two days rest, I was back on my feet as if nothing had happened. I just put it down to work stress and physical and mental exhaustion. When I was afflicted with the stroke and certain parts of my body refused to obey me I realized that I had experienced that feeling before.

I will now endeavor to put down on paper, for you, the other signs so that you may recognize a potential victim before the stroke strikes and be able to take evasive steps to prevent it happening. These signs will be presented randomly as they come to mind.

1. When walking you stumble even on level ground.

2. You kick the legs of chairs and tables when you usually walk pass them effortlessly. 1 & 2 is because your legs are not as strong as they used to be although you do not realize it.

3. You sometimes find you cannot pronounce the 'ar' sound and it comes out as 'el', your speech is slurred and sometimes you drool.

4. The pen you are holding slips from your fingers. Holding up the newspaper can be a problem because your fingers have lost their flexibility. You think it is clumsiness when in truth it is not. It is caused by your muscles having lost their strength.

5. After sitting for some time you find that you cannot stand up as usual. You lose your balance and fall back onto the seat.

6. You also lose your balance when you squat and may find yourself sitting instead of standing up.

7. You are always sleepy even after a good night's sleep. This sleepiness is quite different from the usual tiredness you experience after a restless or late night.

8. Urinating has become a problem. Instead of a strong stream what you get is a trickle and this causes you to go to the toilet often.

9. Constipation becomes more frequent as your rectal muscles do not work well anymore.

10. Sometimes you will find you are forgetful and mental activities become difficult as your brain weakens through lack of nourishment. Blood is not getting through to your brain quickly enough.

Some of these signs will come and go, so much so that you do not take them seriously when they do occur. You tend to pass them off as signs of physical and mental stress and fatigue or in certain cases of aging. Since there is no pain you do not think it necessary to see a doctor. Anyway, the signs come on only momentarily and disappear almost at once. So that you think it is not anything serious and a visit to a doctor is out of the question, until it is too late that is. Then, it is the doctor who has to come to you. Another thing, the signs are similar to many other diseases and illnesses which are quite common. Seeing a doctor would be rather pointless, as far as a stroke is concerned, as you would only describe the symptoms you are experiencing at that particular moment.

Now we come to the important part of this discourse, how do we prevent stroke. What can we do or rather what should we do when these signs appear one by one. Let it be known that I am not a doctor and never in my dreams do I even pretend to be one. So what I am about to tell you is mostly from my own experience. Firstly, when you find that your body is not functioning as it should, that some parts are slacking and not obeying your brain as it normally does, you should start exercising. Go for long walks. Incidentally, you will experience immediate benefits even while exercising, such as clearer vision and mental alertness. Make it a habit to go for walks at least three times a week. Do not stop. I did go for walks but then I stopped when the symptoms disappeared. I made the mistake of not exercising for far too long and then it was too late. The stroke struck!

Remember, regular exercise is very important in promoting blood circulation. Of course, other forms of exercises will be just as good for you. One word of advise, exercises performed with the use of machines are not necessarily the best and that is why I advocate free hand exercises like walking, jogging and swimming.

Drinking lots of water helps immensely. Drink two glasses of water first thing in the morning every morning. Then drink one or two mouthfuls every half hour or whenever thirsty. This is to provide the blood stream with a regular supply of fresh water as our body gets rid of water all the time. We lose water when we breathe, sweat and urinate. Lack of water means poor blood circulation which can lead to stroke.

Eating proper foods is also important and I mean greens and fruits on a daily basis. Everything else can be enjoyed in moderation. A monk who practices healing advised me on certain foods to take to prevent the occurrence of stroke.

It is my pleasure to be able to share it with you here. He said that to prevent stroke I should drink a soup made of one cucumber and one red tomato. Boil them together, strain and drink one or two glasses daily. That will help prevent the blood from coagulating (or is it congealing?). Stroke affects the brain and the best remedy for it is egg yolk. The monk suggested I take the yolk from free-range chickens leaving out the white. The egg must be hard boiled. Consuming egg yolks is also recommended for elderly people as well as school children because it helps to nourish the brain and thus improves memory.

What do we do when someone is suddenly seized by a stroke? Chinese physicians will use a pin to prick the ends of the fingers and toes, all twenty of them, and squeeze out a few drops of blood from each prick. The logic is that by drawing blood one is stimulating the flow of blood. Think of it as unlocking a traffic jam. The needle must first be disinfected by putting it over a flame and wiped clean with tissue paper. Everyone and anyone can do this because there is absolutely no danger whatsoever. Wait, not everybody can do that. Oh? Yes, those people who are afraid of blood, else we will have two patients instead of one.

Okey, you are now as expert as I am in the matter of strokes. Share the information herein with anyone and everyone who is willing to lend you their ears. Perhaps, there will be less people afflicted with the dreaded stroke (slight shiver).

MAY YOU ALL ALWAYS BE WELL,
MAY YOU ALL ALWAYS BE HAPPY.

"A man is too apt to forget that in this world he cannot have everything. A choice is all that is left

How's Ole Blue doing?

2011-10-21T01:10:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program? " Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. The boy now has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

The baboon

2011-10-20T20:35:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

A priest is driving down the road in Cape Point when he comes across
a baboon lying dead on the road. He contacts the police to inform
them of his find.

A cocky black desk sergeant laughed and said "did you give it the last rites ".

"No" said the priest "I thought I'd inform his next of kin
first..............."

What is the worst age to be?

2011-10-19T18:52:00.000-07:00

From The Laughter Club:

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing happens."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't
have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the
toilet all day and nothin' happens!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00 . I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no
problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30 ."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap
every morning at 6:30 . So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00........"

SUPPORT "LEARN SCIENCE AND MATHEMATICS IN ENGLISH (PPSMI)"

2011-10-19T00:14:00.000-07:00

When technology is always changing, is it logical for Malaysian government to establish a RM2 million fund to publish advanced academic books on science and technology in the Malay language?

The right thing to do is to encourage learning of science and technology in English so that we can catch up and compete with technologically advanced countries. So let us support "LEARNING SCIENCE AND MATHEMATICS IN ENGLISH (PPSMI)"

Please read, take part and forward.

Please email, share and/or share this with all your friends so that we can quickly collect the numbers that we need to transform us all into a voice loud enough to be heard. Hopefully with everybody’s effort, we can make this go viral on the internet and strengthen our voice in the shortest time possible.

Dear Students, Parents and Malaysians,

MALAYSIANS APPEAL TO THE GOVERNMENT FOR THE OPTION TO LEARN SCIENCE AND MATHEMATICS IN ENGLISH (RETAIN PPSMI AS AN OPTION)

You would have heard by now that the teaching and learning of Science and Mathematics in English (better known as PPSMI) will be abolished in January 2012. The Parent Action Group for Education Malaysia (PAGE) has been in the forefront to champion the cause to maintain the policy for those who wish their children to learn these two (2) subjects in its lingua franca that is English.

Here is how the abolishment of this policy is going to affect you.

For Primary School Students

You have been learning Science and Mathematics in English since Standard 1, however when you enter into Form 1, you will have to learn these subjects in Bahasa Melayu until Form 5 and do your PMR and SPM in Bahasa Melayu. After SPM, you will revert the study of these two (2) subjects back to English.

For Secondary School Students

If you are entering Form 1 in 2012, then you have been learning Science and Mathematics in English since Standard 1, however in 2012, you will have to learn these subjects in Bahasa Melayu from Form 1 until Form 5 and do your PMR and SPM in Bahasa Melayu.

If you are entering Form 4 in 2012, be prepared ... you may have to switch to Bahasa Melayu for Science and Maths after learning these subjects in English for the past 9 years, do your SPM in Bahasa Melayu and then switch back to English when you enter college or university. Yes we know this is crazy and unless you are “super-adaptable”, you will most likely be stressed out and confused. We have heard that the choice of language for Form 4 in 2012 may be determined by the Gurubesar of the different schools (???).

If you are not in Form 1 or Form 4 in 2012, there is no escape either. You WILL eventually be affected by the change when you reach Form 4.

If you have just completed your SPM in 2011, then you are in the luckiest group !!! You will be able to go straight into college and continue to do these subjects in English.

For Parents and Malaysians in General

After only a few years of implementing PPSMI and despite strong evidence that PPSMI is good for our students and Malaysia’s future generations, the Government has decided to change its mind and will abolish this policy in 2012. They think that it is best for ALL Malaysian school children NOT to learn Science and Mathematics in English. They actually believe that learning these two subjects in Bahasa Melayu is adequate and equivalent (or better) than to learn it in Englsh !!! ???

The sad truth is that despite the constant voices that they hear and read wishing for the option of PPSMI, the authorities seemed determined to proceed with the abolishment with the excuse that PPSMI will be replaced with another policy known as MBMMBI, to improve the standard of English amongst Malaysian students.

They keep missing the point (maybe on purpose) that we want PPSMI, not to improve the standard of English but rather, we want PPSMI simply because of the need to learn the subjects of Science and Mathematics in its lingua franca, that is English, for our children to be globally competitive, and for our nation to progress in the desired direction and speed.

In realising that perhaps the voices speaking out for the retention of the PPSMI policy (for those who want it) are too soft or too sporadic, PAGE Malaysia has decided to go all out on a nationwide wide and international campaign to reach out to as many Malaysian students and Malaysians wherever they are in the world, to come together as one and to build up the voice of the “silent majority” to inform the authorities that there exists a large and substantial number of Malaysian citizens (children and adults) would like to have the option for our students to learn Science and Mathematics in English.

We are not against the MBMMBI policy nor are we against the wishes of other groups who prefer to learn Science and Mathematics in Bahasa Melayu, Mandarin or Tamil.

We are simply asking to be heard and for the right to have the freedom of choice for an option to learn these two subjects in English, alongside Bahasa Melayu, Mandarin and Tamil.

Where and how to make your preference known

PAGE Malaysia has specially set up two (2) separate platforms for Students and for Parents and Malaysians to register their wishes.

Students are requested to visit : http://goo.gl/QHd42
Parents and Malaysians are requested to visit : http://goo.gl/cFSlD

1. 2012 is just a mere two (2) months away … do visit the website, complete the form today and make a difference !!!

2. Please email, like and share this with all your friends so that we can quickly collect the numbers that we need to transform us all into a voice loud enough to be heard.

3. Hopefully with everybody’s effort, we can make this go viral on the internet and strengthen our voice in the shortest time possible.

Thank you.

PAGE
Parent Action Group for Education (1266-10-WKL)
pagemalaysia@gmail.com
www.pagemalaysia.org
For Our Children. Demi Anak Kita

18 October 2011

Apple and Jobs

2011-10-13T21:52:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

My bitter half.......

2011-10-11T18:15:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband. "Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!

The are 2 times when a Man doesn't understand a Woman. Before Marriage and After Marriage.
My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences. He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't.
Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet.
Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In & Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.
Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?
Because When They Arrive, They're wet and wild,
But When They Go, They Take Your House And Car...
A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He Can Remove A Curse He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.
The Wizard Says, "Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell Me The Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You.
"The Man Says Without Hesitation, "I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife."
Husband Searching Keywords on Google `How to Tackle Wife? Google Search Result, "Still Searching`.
A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says, "Doctor, My Wife Is Unfaithful To Me. Every Evening, She Goes To Larry's Bar And Picks Up Men. In Fact, She Sleeps With Anybody Who Asks Her! I'm Going Crazy. What Do You Think I Should Do?" "Relax," Says The Doctor, "Take A Deep Breath And Calm Down. Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where Is Larry's Bar?"
Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife’s Photo and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target... From Another Room Wife Called The Husband: “Honey What Are You Doing...Husband: “MISSING YOU”...
A Man Goes To See The Rabbi. "Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."

The Rabbi Asked, "What's Wrong?"
The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."
The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what I should do?"
The Rabbi Then Offers, "Tell You What. Let Me Talk to Her, I'll See What I Can Find out and I'll Let You Know."
The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says, "Well, I Spoke To Her For Three Hours. You Want My Advice?"
The Man Said "Yes"
The Rabbi Replied, "Take the poison’

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY.........
Women are like phones:

They like to be held,
talked to and
touched often.
But push the wrong button
and you're disconnected......

Difference Between Complete & Finish...

People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is... When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED..... And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!

Romantic SMS Romantic...SMS She sends the following message:

My love if you're sleeping, send me your dreams
If you're smiling, send me your smile
If you're crying, send me your tears
I love you
He Replied: I'm in the toilet. What do I send?

What causes arthritis?

2011-10-08T07:50:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

A drunken man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father,what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

MORAL:Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

Irish Burial at Sea

2011-09-25T23:27:00.001-07:00

From My InBox:

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
'Aye 'tis,

NOW hand me dat shovel.'

LIFE' THOUGHTS BY 'DUCKY

2011-09-25T22:04:00.000-07:00

From The Laughter Club.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
A completely brilliant question!!!!!!!

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -
and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Another completely brilliant question!!!!

And remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
You just might want to pass this along...

Free learning at Khan Academy

2011-09-13T22:35:00.000-07:00

You can save on paying tuition fees if you allow your children to learn online at Khan Academy.

What can they learn there? Plenty as there are over 2400 videos from arithmetic to physics, and finance to learn from. And you don't have to pay anything because the project is funded by Bill Gates Foundation.

Will the lessons be boring for the children? Check one out yourself.

If you don't find that boring, why should they? They are more likely to get hook on it if they are into "earning badges and points".

NOT EVERYONE CAN TELL JOKES

2011-09-11T19:09:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He Said : "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause!!

A week later, a top manager trained by the speaker tried to crack this good joke at home.
But he was already a bit foggy after a drink.
He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner:
"The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went: "Huh??!" with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the man finally blurted out:
"....and I can't remember who she was!"
By the time he regained consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!

just for laughs

2011-09-08T18:39:00.000-07:00

An elderly couple, who were both widowed,
had been going out with each other for a
long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided
it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to
dinner and had a conversation regarding
how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living
arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it
was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?'
he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment,
adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -

'Is that one word or two?'

Loving Couple

2011-09-08T18:36:00.000-07:00

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed
by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as:
Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's
wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind
about 10 years a go, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is."

Two Woodpeckers

2011-09-08T18:29:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

So, this Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were inMexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees.The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree thatno woodpecker could peck.The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptlypecked a hole in the tree with no problem.The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexicanwoodpecker to peck a tree in Canadathat was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequentlyused by woodpeckers ).The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he coulddo it and accepted the challenge.The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpeckersuccessfully peckedthe so-called 'impeccable' tree almost withoutbreaking a sweat...Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that theCanadian woodpeckerwas able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpeckerwas able to peckthe Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:Apparently, Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton were right, when they said,your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Two women were playing golf

2011-09-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

From The Laughter Club:

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

National Symbol; pick your fav country

2011-09-07T20:22:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

What's drowning like?

2011-09-06T21:43:00.000-07:00

What's drowning like? This is a question I never thought of asking until I read a newsletter from Dr Ben Kim. It reminded me of a near drowning experience I had as a kid, which was exactly what was described in this video. Watch it and you may save a life one day.

Drowning signs aren't like the movies: wivb.com

Smile.....

2011-09-06T20:59:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

Save RM2 per month

2011-09-05T23:36:00.000-07:00

Pay your TM Streamyx Internet Bill by Visa credit card through auto pay facilities provided by TM and save RM2 per month plus a chance to win a prize.

To be eligible for TM Autopay Visa promotion, you need to:

1) be a subscriber to TM products and services.
2) be a principal or supplementary Visa cardholder, either credit or debit cards with an active account.
3) register online at http://www.tmonline.com.my/ or pick up relevant form the nearest TMpoint. Fill it up and submit it there or fax it to 03-2240 8242 or 03-2240 8204 or 03 – 2240 1670

This promotion ends on Sept 30, 2011.
Read more about it from thestar, at the following link:

http://thestar.com.my/metro/story.asp?file=/2010/4/16/central/6048237&sec=central

Larry Is In The Hospital . . . ....

2011-08-24T20:53:00.000-07:00

From The Laughter Club:

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is in the Royal Brisbane Hospital, Critical Care Unit.

New Treatment For Sunburn

2011-08-24T18:40:00.000-07:00

Read this with a pinch of salt and laugh.

From The Laughter Club

Bet you never thought of this... New Treatment For Sunburn -

A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for sever al hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital , and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding

with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?’

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.'

A Cardiologist's Funeral

2011-08-23T02:51:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

A Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.......
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

What Are Words

2011-08-03T20:45:00.000-07:00

Subscribe to newsletter from Dr Ben Kim and this will be one of the stuff you will stumble upon.

http://drbenkim.com/what-are-words-chris-medina.htm

From My InBox:

A video featuring the story of Chris Medina and his fiancee, Julie, who suffered brain damage in a car accident shortly before they were to be married.

Lyrics for "What Are Words," by Chris Medina

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most
What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone
And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am
And I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight
And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most
What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone
Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most
I'm forever keeping my angel close

Chords for "What Are Words," by Chris Medina

"What Are Words" @ tabs.ultimate-guitar.com

Maxis "Friend Finder" not friendly

2011-07-22T01:52:00.000-07:00

Are you using Maxis "Friend Finder" service? If you are, it is time to stop because you should not be paying to get the wrong answers.

Cooking lunch for my hubby today, I thought I should check on "Friend Finder" to see if he is already on the way back before cooking the vegetable. I know he is at his worksite near Jalan Raja Chulan so I got a surprise to see that he is not anywhere nearer home in Kajang but right down in Shah Alam!

So, I decided to give him a call to enquire if he is going to be back late for lunch. He did not pick my call and I was directed to his voicemail instead. After 10 minutes of waiting for him to call me back, I decided to use "Friend Finder"again to see if he is on the way back. This is the response I received:

"012-xxxxxxx phone is off or out of coverage now. Please try again later."

As I was wondering what my husband is up to, I heard the front door opened and in came my husband. The last I saw, my husband was driving his Hyundai and it's super not possible for him to be back from Shah Alam within such a short span of time. I asked if he has received my call earlier. He said that he did not. So I told him to check his phone to see if he has switched it off accidentally.

He was very positive that he did not as he has received a call earlier. I looked at his call history and did not see a missed call from me either. So, I tried calling him from my mobile phone again. His phone did not ring and I was put on his voicemail again. He tried calling his mobile phone with our house phone and got the same response.

Curious, he removed his battery and checked his SIM card before placing them back and turned on his phone again. This time the phone isn't working. Since he lost his phone recently and had his SIM card replaced, we decided to use my phone to call Maxis at 123 to find out what is wrong with his mobile line and to check if there is a possibility that his SIM card has been cloned.

The Customer service personnel told us that there is nothing wrong with his line. He was told to switch off his phone and turn it back on to see if the problem is rectified. He tried that again and got his line back as he could now see the missed call from me.

The explanation the Maxis staff could gave us was that this happens and it has to do with network connection and that the next time we face the same situation, just switch off the phone and then turn it back on. She could not answer me when I asked why we should be charged for "Friend Finder" service if we are given wrong information.

I did a search on the internet to see if others faced the same problem with this service and came across a user who wanted to test its accuracy as he planned to hide one of his handphones in his car so that he could track it with "Friend Finder" service should it be stolen. With both mobile phones on hand he sent out the SMS to Maxis from one phone to track location of the other. He was then in Chow Kit but the "Friend Finder" response he received indicated "Bukit Jalil" instead.

Come to think of it, "Friend Finder" service could well help break up relationships should one already be doubtful of one's partner. That is not friendly. Don't you think so?

An actual AD in the paper...

2011-07-22T00:54:00.000-07:00

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you .... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

Bumper sticker of the Year

2011-07-22T00:52:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

The Pilot and the Priest

2011-07-22T00:50:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?'

The guy replies, 'I'm Bruce, retired Delta Airlines pilot from Florida .'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Bruce, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here -- we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached -- people slept. When he flew -- people prayed.

Nurses don't laugh

2011-07-22T00:48:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.

It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.

Mongolian song, "Mother in the Dream"

2011-07-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

Do you know what it feels like to love someone who is no longer around? Let Uudam, a 12-year-old Mongolian boy, express this feeling in a Mongolian song, "Mother in the Dream", which he sang at "China Got Talent".

Love your parents when they are still around to love and care for you.

For those who do not understand Mandarin, following is a rough translation forwarded by my friend:

This is a Mongolian boy.

When is his ambition? To invent a kind of ink that with one drop, it will turn the world into grassland.

When asked what he wants to performed, he said, sing.

What song? A dream about mother.

Where's your mum? She is in heaven.

What about your father? He is also in heaven.

Then he sings.

The lady judge said I will represent all the mothers of the world and give you a hug.

The male judge said that when he appears, he is like a prince and everything went silence.

The lady judge asked him to say something to his mother, and he said: "Mum, I always think of you."

Un peu d'anglais! (Some English!)

2011-07-01T01:06:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

We've all talked to this guy...At Last....A Picture of Him.

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

Message for Adultrers

2011-06-26T01:25:00.000-07:00

I received this email recently...

Thought for the day

A wise man once sat in the audience & cracked a joke.
All laughed like crazy. After a moment he cracked the same joke again and a little less people laughed this time.

He cracked the same joke again & again, when there was no laughter in the crowd, he smiled and said

"When you can't laugh on the same joke again & again, then why do you keep crying over the same thing over and over again.

...and I am inspired to reply to this Wseman because during a talk I did for single mothers, one asked, "Move on? Which direction should I go?"

The idea is for friends to send such message to people they know have been cheating on their spouses so that the adulterers will know how painful it is. Will that stop infidelity? I don't know but we can try.

Message for Adultrers:

Dear Wiseman

Forget the past & move on?
When left high and dry, all by myself
which direction should I start from?
I cry in confusion.

Tears flow down my wrinkles
I cry for lost youth
time for building up a career
but I opt for love...
To start a family.

Struggling to make his way
I was the woman behind him
I cry for my lost in status
my right to stand by his side
to bask in the glory
This should be OUR success
NOT THEIRS
I cry.

I cry for all the lies he said
his gifts of guilty conscience
keeping me in the dark
I cry for trusting too much...

I cry thinking about his infidelity
wondering why friends kept his secrets
why are they helping him?
I cry for knowing too late
It’s now his addiction
the excitement
sex outside marriage!

I cry thinking about our children
I am falling into depression
I can’t be a good mother now
should I leave?
I cry just wondering…

A broken family?
Wondering about the effects
Will they hate me?
How will they manage?
I cry knowing
they will be hurt the most!

I cry all alone
acting the "happy family"
knowing day by day
hurting every minute
as he has his way
with me and the others
knowing I know...

What can I do?
the love is not over
I can only cry
and keep crying
over the same thing
over and over again
Till the feelings gone?
Maybe till I am gone
I will keep crying...

The 13th Malaysian general election

2011-06-21T00:59:00.000-07:00

Per Wikipedia, the 13th Malaysian general election must be held in 2013 or before 2013. Malaysians, have you registered to vote?

To check on your voting status, you can call the headquarters of the Election Commission or the State Election Officers at Tel : 03-88856500 or do it online at the following link:

http://daftarj.spr.gov.my/daftarj/daftarbi.aspx

Information you need to provide are:
1) Name
2) Identity Card number

Check to ensure that your personal information and the location you are to go to vote are correct.

If you have moved and the information has not been updated, all you have to do is to go to a Post Office with computer facilities near you to update your records. The officer in charge at the Post Office will provide you a Form A to fill in. You must register in person with your NRIC as you are required to sign on the form. A copy will be given to you.

You can also register as a first time voter at any Post Office near you. Before you go, you need to call 1-300-300-300 (local) or 603-2727 9100 to confirm that the Post Office nearest you has computer facilities.

For those of you living in Kajang, go to:

JKR 78,

Jln Hishamuddin,

43000 Kajang, Selangor

Tel 03-87331018

To find Post Office in other location go to this link:

http://www.pos.com.my/pos/homepage.aspx

Need more information about your voting rights? Check out Suruhanjaya Pilihan Raya Malaysia (SPR) website.

BEWARE MESSAGE FOR OLDER MEN !!!

2011-06-15T21:00:00.000-07:00

From My InBox

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in
dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I
wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up'... for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home
Depot, Costco, and even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as
you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them
and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to
McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they
start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the
other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th, and 29th. Also May 1st and 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th,
18th, 20th and 22nd, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of
us older men.

Warn your friends to be vigilant.

By the way, Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each and I found even
cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just
running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.
Please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

P.S. - The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.

An Ode To English Plurals

2011-06-08T00:31:00.000-07:00

Warning: Not to be shown to children with poor results in English or it will be used as a reason to explain why they can't do better.

From My InBox:

An Ode To English Plurals

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,

Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,

Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;

Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,

We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,

And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,

Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English

should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.

We have noses that run and feet that smell.

We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,

While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language

in which your house can burn up as it burns down,

in which you fill in a form by filling it out,

and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

-Author Unknown-

Church Bulletins

2011-05-31T02:05:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

Church Ladies With typewriters. . .

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

--------------------------------------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Ladies, beware when you are at shopping complex's toilet

2011-05-25T00:17:00.000-07:00

Story not verified but better safe than sorry.

From My InBox:

Dear ladies

beware of the latest tactic of bag-snatch.

Last Wednesday 21.07.10 @ I 8.15 p.m, I was at Berjaya Times Square toilet.

Someone quietly walked in & I thought it was my daughter trying to frighten me. I was expecting my daughter to put her foot thru under the door but what I saw was a man's shoe.

Immediately he jumped up & tried to grab something from the "hanger" on my door. I screamed out of fear as I suddenly saw a pair of black hands reaching in (Indian man) & he left. When the security guards came, he was gone. The guard told me that on the same day afternoon a lady lost her bag that way. (I didnt loose my bag coz I did not hang it on the hook)

My neighbor told me that 2 weeks ago, a malay lady's bag was snatched by a man who followed her into the Ladies toilet.

pls beware when you are alone in the toilet & do not hang your bag on the hook of the toilet door.

Understanding English grammar

2011-05-18T00:43:00.000-07:00

Looking out for interesting way to pick up English grammar? Try this.

If this Indian teacher has generated an interest to learn more, check out English Grammar for more lessons.

A NOVEL EXPERIENCE

2011-05-17T23:57:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

    "Just relax."

    Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

    I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.
I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

    Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders and slid them down my tingling spine.

    Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .

    "Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now

TAXI

2011-05-11T01:55:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

This is a lovely touching story.
TAXI

I arrived at the address where someone had requested a taxi. I honked
but no one came out. I honked again, nothing. So I walked to the door
and knocked. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could
hear something being dragged across the floor

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood
before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil
pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no
one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with
sheets.

There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the
counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and
glassware.

'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase
to the cab, and then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and
we walked slowly toward the curb.

She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her. 'I
just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother
treated'.. 'Oh, you're such a good boy', she said. When we got in the
cab, she gave me an address, and then asked, 'Could you drive through
downtown?'

'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly. 'Oh, I don't mind,'
she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice'.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't
have any family left,' she continued. 'The doctor says I don't have
very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
'What route would you like me to take?' I asked. For the next two
hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she
had once worked as an elevator operator.

We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived
when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture
warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as
a girl.

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or
corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said,
'I'm tired. Let's go now'

We drove in silence to the address she had given me.. It was a low
building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed
under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were
solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been
expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman
was already seated in a wheelchair.

'How much do I owe you?' she asked, reaching into her purse.
'Nothing,' I said.

'You have to make a living,' she answered.

'There are other passengers,' I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me
tightly. 'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said.
'Thank you.'

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.
Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life. I
didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost
in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if
that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end
his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once,
then driven away? On a quick review, I don't think that I have done
anything more important in my life.

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great
moments. But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped
in what others may consider a small one

PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.

You won't get any big surprise in 10 days if you send this to ten
people. But, you might help make the world a little kinder and more
compassionate by sending it on.

Thank you, my friend...

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might
as well dance.

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

2011-05-05T23:55:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, “Land mines.”

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN (OR MAYBE THREE!)

Shopping? Go find coupons.

2011-04-29T02:42:00.000-07:00

I just discovered from shopping at Giant that the staff there don't usually highlight the promotions going on in the supermarket.

If you check out newspaper like "The Star", you can find many promotional ads there. Through one of these ads I managed to buy Family Choice 3 litre size Canola Oil for RM15.99 and it comes with a free 1 litre bottle of the same oil valued at RM9.99 but that is not noted at the rack where they were displayed.

Before the cashier key in the price, you have to highlight to them about the free gift so that she can key in a minus (-) amount for the free gift. If you don't you are not going to get it. When I showed the receipt to the customer service personnel, I was told that they ran out of the 1 litre size and was requested to leave my contact behind so that they can call me when the stock arrives.

Don't get cheated out of a good saving when shopping. Check out newspaper or websites of the stores you intend to shop at to see if there are any promotions going on. This is the link where you can find promotional items at Giant:

www.giant.com.my/promotion_v2/download

If you look at the promotion for the same oil at the following link, you get a packet of Bird of Paradise rice valued at RM6 but you will have to pay RM16.99 for it:

www.giant.com.my/files/promotion/pdf/WeekendSpecial4.pdf

If you like to shop online, then you should check out RetailMeNot at the following link:

www.retailmenot.com/static/tutorial/

Key in what you are interested to buy online to see if there are any discount coupon for the same. If you are too lazy to read what it is about, just watch the video.

Happy saving.

Handling Stress

2011-04-27T01:29:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience; with a raised glass of water, and everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'..... she fooled them all... "How heavy is this glass of water?", she inquired with a smile.
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.

So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... pick them up tomorrow.
Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment. Relax, pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it and the now 'supposed' stress that you've conquered!"
1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon,
         and some days you're the statue!
2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.  3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..  5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague
6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it..  7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 * Never buy a car you can't push.  9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well.

Just get up and dance.
11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 * When everything's coming your way,

you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more

you have, the longer you live.

15 * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
17 * We could learn a lot from crayons.
Some are sharp, some are pretty and
some are dull. Some have weird
names and all are different colors,
but they all have to live in the same box.
18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that

someone thought about you today.
20 * It was me, your friend!
*Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate !*

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD

2011-04-27T01:12:00.001-07:00

From My InBox:

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson`s' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people

Choosing a wife

2011-04-26T03:16:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world

Get that pay increment!

2011-04-15T00:48:00.000-07:00

No, I don't know how you can get your pay increased but this joke may inspire you some...?

From My InBox:

Our maid asked for a pay increase.

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. They had a conversation to this effect, in private.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Mom, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Sir said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Sir did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Mom ...the driver did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Telephone bill

2011-04-15T00:42:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a
Family meeting...on a Saturday morning...after breakfast...

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the
phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work
telephone

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

Maid: So - what is the problem? We all use our work telephone !!!!!!!!!!

Fight crime with...

2011-04-14T23:58:00.000-07:00

Check out what you can capture if you have a video surveillance camera installed in your car.

That's the modus operandi of snatch thieves on motorbike.

Maybe it is a good idea for car manufacturers to consider installing one in all cars to help cut down crime. Owners can post any crime scenes captured on public network like YouTube or on sites provided by the car manufacturers themselves.

Though you may not be able to identify the culprits from the video to have them convicted, at least you can learn how not to be the next target by not repeating the mistakes made by past victims.

Let's fight crime with in-car video survillance camera.

A Straight forward prayer

2011-04-12T00:02:00.001-07:00

From My InBox:

HOLY prayer For 2011

Dear Lord:
All I ask for is a big fat bank account and a slim body.

Please do not mix up the two like you did last year.

~Amen~

The Sungai Buloh-Kajang MRT lines

2011-03-08T00:11:00.000-08:00

If you are into property investment, the Klang Valley Mass Rapid Transit Project’s Sungai Buloh-Kajang line should interest you.

You can pick up more information about it by visiting Klang Valley Mass Rapid Transit for Display Material, where you can view this video clip about the project.

You can also find a map with facts and figures to show you how the lines will be running through the estates involved.

Infact, you can up pick lots of feedback from the public by googling about it because many people are talking about how this project will be affecting their current or future investments, be it for residential or commercial purposes. That is how I managed to locate link to this map to blog about.

But take it from me. If you want to know more about making the right choices in property investment, try googling "michael tan property" instead. If you like what you are reading about him and what he is up to, you can find him at Freeman.

Our Man from The Punjab is back

2011-03-02T23:16:00.000-08:00

From My InBox:

A Sardar furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decides to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a new range of furniture that he thought would sell well back home in PUNJAB . To celebrate the new acquisition, he decides to visit a pub and have a glass of wine. As he sat down enjoying his wine, soon enough, a very beautiful attractive young lady came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.

He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in PUNJABI-HINDI- ENGLISH but she did not speak or know any of these languages. So, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the pub and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.

They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Then, after they were back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a bed.

Till this day, the Sardar is trying to figure out how she knew he was in the furniture business.

Philosophy for Old Age

2011-02-23T00:52:00.000-08:00

From My InBox:

Philosophy for Old Age

View more presentations from rafaeel.

A Two Letter Word - Many Meanings

2011-02-15T23:35:00.000-08:00

I thought about it and came up with...

Make up and make up XXX

From My InBox:

TALK ABOUT BIG LITTLE WORDS...THIS HAS TO BE THE BIGGEST
Think about it.
UP

Read until the end.....you'll laugh....
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter
word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv],
[prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and

why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver,
warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times this little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets,
work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at
night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP,
look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized
dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP
to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways

UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may
wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it soaks UP the earth.
When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now .......my time is UP !
Oh....one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
UP !
Did that one crack you UP?
Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you
look UP in your address book..or not...it's UP to you.
Now I'll shut UP

An Obituary

2011-02-11T00:07:00.000-08:00

From My InBox:

An Obituary
Printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly rather true.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on…If not, join the majority and do nothing.

CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY

2011-01-23T23:16:00.000-08:00

From My InBox:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Had To Share This With You

2011-01-07T00:02:00.000-08:00

From My InBox:

One young academically excellent person went to apply for a managerial position in a big company.
He passed the first interview, the director did the last interview, made the last decision.
The director discovered from the CV that the youth's academic achievements were excellent all the way, from the secondary school until the postgraduate research, never had a year when he did not score.
The director asked, "Did you obtain any scholarships in school?" the youth answered "none".
The director asked, " Was it your father who paid for your school fees?" The youth answered, "My father passed away when I was one year old, it was my mother who paid for my school fees.
The director asked, " Where did your mother work?" The youth answered, "My mother worked as clothes cleaner. The director requested the youth to show his hands. The youth showed a pair of hands that were smooth and perfect.
The director asked, " Have you ever helped your mother wash the clothes before?" The youth answered, "Never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books. Furthermore, my mother can wash clothes faster than me.
The director said, "I have a request. When you go back today, go and clean your mother's hands, and then see me tomorrow morning.*
The youth felt that his chance of landing the job was high. When he went back, he happily requested his mother to let him clean her hands. His mother felt strange, happy but with mixed feelings, she showed her hands to the kid.
The youth cleaned his mother's hands slowly. His tear fell as he did that. It was the first time he noticed that his mother's hands were so wrinkled, and there were so many bruises in her hands. Some bruises were so painful that his mother shivered when they were cleaned with water.
This was the first time the youth realized that it was this pair of hands that washed the clothes everyday to enable him to pay the school fee. The bruises in the mother's hands were the price that the mother had to pay for his graduation, academic excellence and his future.
After finishing the cleaning of his mother hands, the youth quietly washed all the remaining clothes for his mother.
That night, mother and son talked for a very long time.
Next morning, the youth went to the director's office.
The Director noticed the tears in the youth's eyes, asked: " Can you tell me what have you done and learned yesterday in your house?"
The youth answered, " I cleaned my mother's hand, and also finished cleaning all the remaining clothes'
The Director asked, " please tell me your feelings."
The youth said, Number 1, I know now what is appreciation. Without my mother, there would not the successful me today. Number 2, by working together and helping my mother, only I now realize how difficult and tough it is to get something done. Number 3, I have come to appreciate the importance and value of family relationship.
The director said, " This is what I am looking for to be my manager.I want to recruit a person who can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the sufferings of others to get things done, and a person who would not put money as his only goal in life. You are hired."
Later on, this young person worked very hard, and received the respect of his subordinates. Every employee worked diligently and as a team. The company's performance improved tremendously.

A child, who has been protected and habitually given whatever he wanted, would develop "entitlement mentality" and would always put himself first. He would be ignorant of his parent's efforts. When he starts work, he assumes that every person must listen to him, and when he becomes a manager, he would never know the sufferings of his employees and would always blame others. For this kind of people, who may be good academically, may be successful for a while, but eventually would not feel sense of achievement. He will grumble and be full of hatred and fight for more. If we are this kind of protective parents, are we really showing love or are we destroying the kid instead?*

You can let your kid live in a big house, eat a good meal, learn piano, watch a big screen TV. But when you are cutting grass, please let them experience it. After a meal, let them wash their plates and bowls together with their brothers and sisters. It is not because you do not have money to hire a maid, but it is because you want to love them in a right way. You want them to understand, no matter how rich their parents are, one day their hair will grow gray, same as the mother of that young person. The most important thing is your kid learns how to appreciate the effort and experience the difficulty and learns the ability to work with others to get things done.

You would have forwarded many mails to many people and many would do you the same...but try and forward this story to as many as possible...this may change somebody's fate...

Are we talking fruits or IT?

2010-12-29T23:10:00.000-08:00

Are we talking fruits or IT? The older folks will know.

From My InBox:

funny quickies

2010-12-22T00:27:00.000-08:00

From My InBox:

NO. 1
A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's nipples while she was asleep. The next day, their driver died of poisoning.

NO.2
A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked Dad why? He answered so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum.

NO.3
A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. Maid said sir you are my witness you know I never wear panties.

Drinking up some cheers

2010-12-15T01:19:00.000-08:00

Christmas is around the corner and if you are looking out for great drinks recipes, check out Drink Project.

What I like about this site is that you can search recipes for drinks you have tried or you can type in one of the ingredients you have on hand to find out what you can concoct with it. And if you are not willing to spend too much mixing a wide variety of drinks or ingredients, you can always check out their recipes for drinks that require only two ingredients.

For the more ambitious, there are recipes for drinks using five ingredients.

Merry X'mas and a Happy New Year

Donkey business

2010-12-12T22:42:00.000-08:00

From My InBox:

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day...

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's d...ied.'

...Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland

Goodbye Mom ...

2010-11-03T00:29:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

Goodbye Mom

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around..

If he stopped, she stopped.

Furthermore, she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.

Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!

Gotcha didn't I.

just for laughs

2010-10-25T00:35:00.000-07:00

How does one train the mind to think this way?

From My InBox:

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his morning suit and top hat.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE!' said the groom broom.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

Telephone bill

2010-10-20T20:20:00.003-07:00

TOXIC SEAFOOD WARNING

2010-10-18T01:17:00.000-07:00

Do you feel sleepy while driving after lunch? Does your neck and shoulder ache too? If your answer is yes to both questions, you are likely facing the effects of toxins build up in your body. What can you do about it? Try cutting fish dishes out of your meals for about 2 to 3 weeks and feel the difference.

Industrial waste contaminate the sea and this in turn is poisoning the fish we eat.

About Life Without Cell Phones & What Not...

2010-10-17T21:21:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

If you are 30 or older, you might think this is hilarious! but so TRUE..

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were.

When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning...Uphill...Barefoot...

BOTH ways yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.

If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no e-mail!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MPH's or HMV or iTunes!

If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless.

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!

If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!There weren't any freaking' cell phones either.If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one.

You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends".

Think of the horror...not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please!

You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!

When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!

It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent...you just didn't know!!!

You had to pick it up and take your chances!

We didn't have any fancy Play Station or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!

We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'.

Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!!

And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen...Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play...all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside...you were doing chores!

And car seats - please!   Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd
(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile)

just for laughs

2010-10-15T08:04:00.001-07:00

Our maid asked for a pay increase.
My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. They had a conversation to this effect, in private.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Mom, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Sir said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

From My InBox:

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Sir did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Mom ...the driver did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Spread the Stupidity

2010-10-13T00:42:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

Spread the Stupidity

Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America .....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ..........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..

Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while. Spread the Stupidity!

GO COWBOYS!!!!!

Going for a holiday?

2010-09-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

Going for a holiday? Can't decide where to go? Habitat for Humanity have a few suggestions for you with lots of activities packed into a five days to two weeks itinerary.

It is going to be a holiday with a difference because you will be working along side volunteers from around the world to help build simple, decent homes. Why? Because you want to be part of an international movement to create a world where everyone has a proper home. So, expect to meet some people with muscles and learn how to build houses and communities for people in need.

Can't afford to go? Then tell your family, friends, colleges, churches, civic clubs and others that

Monday, October 4, 2010
is
World Habitat Day

Raise the awareness about Habitat’s work to help break the cycle of poverty and raise some funds along the way for the trip. Get them to join you.

Happy holidays.

Playing for Change

2010-09-07T21:22:00.000-07:00

According to Wikipedia, "Stand by Me" was first released in 1961. It was originally sang by Ben E. King and was written by the performer himself, Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller.

Playing for Change, a multimedia movement, recorded this song performed by street singers around the world and posted their composition on YouTube. Let's be inspired by their objective to bring peace to the world through music in this video. Sing along.

My InBox:

MISSING 3 YEAR OLD (Half Truth)

2010-09-02T17:58:00.000-07:00

This is partially true as the child went missing in USA and not in Malaysia, as the email may seem to imply. She went missing on May 17th 2006 and there is a possibility that the live in boyfriend of her aunt, who is her guardian, was involved in the case. The boyfriend committed suicide and there is no further lead on the missing child. You can read full story at the following link:

http://www.hoax-slayer.com/reachelle-smith-missing.shtml

From My InBox:

IF YOUR CHILD WAS MISSING WOULDN'T YOU PRAY THAT EVERYONE PASSED THIS EMAIL ON?!!!

PLEASE DO THE RIGHT THING AND LOOK AND FORWARD.

A 3-year-old girl named Reachelle Marie Smith is missing

You never know where this e-mail could end up and I'm not going to stop passing this one around if it means a little girl can be found!!!

Please spread this picture far and wide....You just never know.someone you know, might know her!

HOME ADDRESS:

LT. COL. (R) ANTHONY J. SILVA
NO.26, JALAN A8
TAMAN MELAWATI
53100 KUALA LUMPUR
MALAYSIA

TEL : 603-41073316
FAX : 603-4147 3315
MOB : 6012-379 1317
PRIVATE EMAIL:ajsilva.defcom@gmail.com
SKYPE :ajsilva1932

OFFICE ADDRESS;

DEFCOM SERVICES SDN BHD
NO. 332 JALAN B-7
TAMAN MELAWATI
53100 KUALA LUMPUR
MALAYSIA

TEL : 603-41472241 (DL)
TEL : 603-41474914 (GL)
FAX : 603-41473315
MOB : 6012-3791317
EMAIL : ajsilva@streamyx.com
SKYPE : defcommil

Ready for old age home?

2010-08-29T20:13:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON … OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? :)

The 6 affairs

2010-07-16T16:51:00.001-07:00

From My InBox:

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

100 kisses

2010-07-12T18:52:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India ....

Dear Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis
has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You
are my sweetheart, please adjust.

Your loving husband,
JITA SINGH

His wife replied...

TINKU KE PAPPA ,

Thanks for the 100 kisses, Below is the list of expenses I paid with
the Kisses...:

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.

3. Your landlord Balkar Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses
instead of the monthly rent.

4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I
gave him other items, I hope you understand..

5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I
hope I can survive the month using this balance...
Shall I plan the same for the next month?

Your Sweet Heart,
Kichi

NEVER MESS WITH WOMEN

What a week !!!

2010-06-28T23:42:00.001-07:00

From InBox:

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having
sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's
status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to
stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to
arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to
her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack
of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old
husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing
him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had
anything to say in her own defence.

'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
he could fly.'

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put
into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired
woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm
and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His
buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner
him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies,
'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask.
'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob
replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

SUNDAY

Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland .. As
they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a
lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are
the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then
asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

BEAUTIFUL & TOUCHING

2010-06-28T23:36:00.000-07:00

My InBox:

My wife called, 'How long will you be with that newspaper? Will you come here and make your darling daughter eat her food?

I tossed the paper away and rushed to the scene. My only daughter, Sindu, looked frightened; tears were welling up in her eyes. In front of her was a bowl filled to its brim with curd rice. Sindu is a nice child, quite intelligent for her age.

I cleared my throat and picked up the bowl. 'Sindu, darling, why don't you take a few mouthful of this curd rice? Just for Dad's sake, dear'.

Sindu softened a bit and wiped her tears with the back of her hands.
'Ok, Dad. I will eat - not just a few mouthfuls, but the whole lot of this. But, you should...' Sindu hesitated. 'Dad, if I eat this entire curd Rice, will you give me whatever I ask for?'

'Promise'. I covered the pink soft hand extended by my daughter with mine, and clinched the deal. Now I became a bit anxious.. 'Sindu, dear, you shouldn't insist on getting a computer or any such expensive items. Dad does not have that kind of money right now. Ok?'

'No, Dad. I do not want anything expensive'. Slowly and painfully, she finished eating the whole quantity. I was silently angry with my wife and my mother for forcing my child to eat something that she detested.

After the ordeal was through, Sindu came to me with her eyes wide with expectation. All our attention was on her.

'Dad, I want to have my head shaved off, this Sunday!' was her demand.

'Atrocious!' shouted my wife, 'A girl child having her head shaved off? Impossible!'

'Never in our family!' My mother rasped. 'She has been watching too much of television. Our culture is getting totally spoiled with these TV programs!'

'Sindu, darling, why don't you ask for something else? We will be sad seeing you with a clean-shaven head.'

'Please, Sindu, why don't you try to understand our feelings?' I tried to plead with her.

'Dad, you saw how difficult it was for me to eat that Curd Rice'.
Sindu was in tears. 'And you promised to grant me whatever I ask for.
Now, you are going back on your words. Was it not you who told me the story of King Harishchandra, and its moral that we should honor our promises no matter what?'

It was time for me to call the shots. 'Our promise must be kept.'

'Are you out of your mind?' chorused my mother and wife.

'No. If we go back on our promises, she will never learn to honour her own.. Sindu, your wish will be fulfilled.'

With her head clean-shaven, Sindu had a round-face, and her eyes looked big and beautiful.

On Monday morning, I dropped her at her school. It was a sight to watch my hairless Sindu walking towards her classroom. She turned round and waved. I waved back with a smile. Just then, a boy alighted from a car, and shouted, 'Sinduja, please wait for me!' What struck me was the hairless head of that boy. 'May be, that is the in-stuff', I thought.

'Sir, your daughter Sinduja is great indeed!' Without introducing herself, a lady got out of the car, and continued, 'that boy who is walking along with your daughter is my son Harish. He is suffering
from... leukemia'. She paused to muffle her sobs. 'Harish could not attend the school for the whole of the last month. He lost all his hair due to the side effects of the chemotherapy. He refused to come back to school fearing the unintentional but cruel teasing of the schoolmates. Sinduja visited him last week, and promised him that she will take care of the teasing issue. But, I never imagined she would sacrifice her lovely hair for the sake of my son! Sir, you and your wife are blessed to have such a noble soul as your daughter.'

I stood transfixed and then, I wept. 'My little Angel, you are teaching me how selfless real love is!'

The happiest people on this planet are not those who live on their own
terms but are those who change their terms for the ones whom they love.

Fathers v/s Mothers

2010-06-25T18:24:00.001-07:00

From My InBox:

There was this family with one kid. One day the mother was out and dad was in charge of the kid, who just turned three.

Someone had given the kid a little 'tea set' as a birthday gift and it was one of his favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when kid brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea from father, kid’s Mom came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch the kid bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

Mom waited, and sure enough, the kid comes down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

....Mothers know

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Domain knowledge is very important!!! Else your supplier will trick you......

Be Well Happy

2010-06-23T01:50:00.000-07:00

Vedanta Mission helps you save some cost on medication by sharing what Dr. Dráuzio Varella has to say on "The Art of Feeling Well".

Be Well Happy

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Telamonia dimidiata

2010-06-23T01:11:00.000-07:00

Before you start lifting up public toilet seats, go to the following link on Snopes and you will read the same message except that it happened in Chicago.

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/insects/telamonia.asp

From My InBox:

Hi folks, its better to be safe than sorry. So, just be careful when using the looooooo.
Thanks James forwarding this information

Please pay attention to this article. It is of utmost importance.

Three women in KL turned up at hospitals over a 5-day period,
all with the same symptoms - fever, chills, vomiting, followed by muscular collapse, paralysis and finally,death.
There were no outward signs of trauma. Autopsy results showed toxicity in the blood. These women did not know each other, and seemed to have nothing in common.

It was discovered, however, that they had all visited a same restaurant along Jalan Kuchai Lama within days of their deaths. The health department descended on the restaurant, shutting it down. The food, water and air conditioning were all inspected and tested, to no avail.

The big break came when a waitress at the restaurant was rushed to the hospital with similar symptoms. She told doctors that she had been on vacation, and had only went to the restaurant to pick up her check. She did not eat or drink while she was there, but had used the restroom.

That is when one toxicologist, remembering an article he had read, drove up to the restaurant, went into the restroom and lifted the toilet seat. Under the seat, out of normal view, was a small spider. The spider was captured and brought back to the lab,where it was determined to be the Two-Striped Telamonia (Telamonia dimidiata), so named because of its reddened flesh color. This spider's venom is extremely toxic but can take several days to take effect. They live in cold, dark, damp climates, and toilet rims provide just the right atmosphere.

Several days later, a lawyer from JB showed up at a hospital emergency room.. Before his death, he told the doctor that he had been away on business, had taken a flight from Indonesia , changing planes in Singapore , before returning home. He did not visit the restaurant while there. He did, as did all of the other victims, have what was determined to be a puncture wound, on his right buttock.

Investigators discovered that the flight he was on had originated in India .. The Civilian Aeronautics Board (CAB) ordered an immediate inspection of the toilets of all flights from India , and discovered the Two-Striped Telamonia (Telamonia dimidiata) spider's nests on four different planes!

It is now believed that these spiders can be anywhere in the country. So please, before you use a public toilet, lift the seat to check for spiders.

It can save your life! And please pass this on to everyone you care about.

P Susthitha Menon (Susi)
Photonics Technology Laboratory
Department of Electrical, Electronics and System Engineering
Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia
( National University of Malaysia )
43600 UKM Bangi
Selangor Darul Ehsan.

What is a grandparent?

2010-06-14T03:53:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

If you are not a grandparent you will still love this. If you are it shows how precious the babies are and what we mean to them.

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own.
They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have
television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA
LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE
TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS
HIM!

It' funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Send this to other grandparents, almost grandparents, or heck, send it to everyone. It will make their day.

The Wheels of Life

2010-06-02T00:39:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

Dna Of A Writer

2010-06-02T00:38:00.000-07:00

Do you aspire to be a writer? Learn from Kurt Frenier how not to be a wanna be.

Dna Of A Writer

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Pilots weather

2010-06-02T00:31:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

New Toyota Model

2010-06-02T00:30:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

for your guidance

2010-06-02T00:29:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

Bank Rakyat Credit Card Scam

2010-06-02T00:28:00.000-07:00

Note this crime alert. This message is from someone I know personally.

========================================================================
From My InBox:

Dear All,

I myself just received a call this morning purported from someone who is from the Bank Rakyat Credit Card Centre by the name of Jimmy Leong who said that I have a credit card which I ask to increase my credit limit. I was surprise because I do not have any credit card from Bank Rakyat. I told him that I do not own any card from Bank Rakyat and he acted quite surprise and I ask him to double confirm my name and he confirm it as my name according to my IC. He told me that transaction amounting to RM9750.00 were use from this card in China in April and incidentally I went to China in April. He even leave me a purported Bank Rakyat number which is for me to contact them as 03-26988899 extension 1106 which is suppose to be the Card Centre.

I further enquire on the date and address this card was applied and it was in an address in Miri Sarawak and I told him that I have not been to Miri before and the address sound alien to me and I really thought someone might have use my IC to apply for a Credit card.

Now what happen next is very interesting, he tole he he had stopped and cancelled the card immediately and ask that I made a report to Bank Negara and he even gave me the Bank Negara phone number as 03-27826822 and ask that I report to Bank Negara and get a letter from them to waive this RM9750.00.

I called this so call Bank Negara number and the greeting sound exactly like Bank Negara Greeting with " Terima Kasih kerana memangil Bank Negara Malaysia, untuk Bahasa Malaysia sila tekan 1, for English Press 2.........." Someone pick up and ask for my name and phone number and said that they need to record that conversation and they would call me back on the phone number I have given to them, but so far no one called me.

I began to feel uneasy waiting for Bank Negara to call me and I call back this Bank Rakyat and no one pick up from that number. My wife went on the internet and found another Bank Rakyat number and it is not the same number from what was given and I called to verify that that was not their number and they also verify that Bank Negara number is not that number given and they said that it might be a scam and only that moment it appears to me that it was a scam.

I call up Bank Negara and the officer told me that they have received a lot a this complain from Bank Rakyat and even using other names such as Am Bank etc. and this is a scam and the Modus Operanti is that they will call my number again to ask for my bank infor or my card info and even ask you to change your Pin number and immediately you change the number all your money in your bank would be gone, accordingly so far the highest lost is from one individual amounting to RM250,000.00. The officer ask me to pass this information around so that we will not give our information out to these people.

SO watch out and they might call you someday and it happen to me here in SL today and it can also happen to you too.

So beware and be warned, they sound very real and convincing !!

Must try Penang Hawker Foods

2010-06-02T00:15:00.000-07:00

From My InBox:

Swine Flu H1N1

2010-05-31T18:45:00.000-07:00

Vasim shares useful information about H1N1 on slideShare.

Swine Flue H1 N1

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