Old and new don't blend?

Whoever said old and new don't blend have not seen this.



Shared by David James at Life Long Learning.

Carnation Milk Contest

From My InBox:

Carnation Milk 65 Years Ago. This is PRICELESS !!! A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all.' She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house. A large man got out, knocked on her door and said, "Ma'am,.....The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry.....So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!" He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall. True story!!!

Confucius Said What?

You live in an Equatorial country and plan to travel to Europe during their winter months?  I would expect Confucius to tell you:

Man who travels in winter

burnt holes in pockets

to shiver in the cold

From My InBox:

Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is 
Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Person who deletes this has no humour!!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Performance vs Position

From My InBox:

---

A priest dies and is awaiting his turn in line at Heaven's Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses,

a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

St Peter asks him: "Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven or not?"

The guy replies: "I am Pandi, auto driver from Chennai!"

St Peter consults his ledger, smiles and says to Pandi: 
"Please take this silken robe and gold scarf, and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

Now it is the priest's turn.

He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: 

"I am the Pope's assistant, priest for the last 40 years."

St Peter consults his ledger and says to the priest:

"Please take this cotton robe and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the agonized priest, "How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving auto driver is given a silken robe and a golden scarf and me, a priest, who's spent his whole life preaching God's name and goodness has to make do with a cotton robe?"

"Results, my friend, results," shrugs St Peter.  "While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his auto, people really PRAYED."

 It's PERFORMANCE and not POSITION that ultimately counts.

Fred

From My InBox:

Fred works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Fred! How ya doin?" 

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Fred. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" 

"I recognise her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1^st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Freddie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" 

Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. 

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Fred, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Fred's funeral will be on Saturday!!

LIFE IS LIKE A JOURNEY

From My InBox:

Life is like a journey on a train...
with its stations...
with changes of routes...
and with accidents!

At birth we boarded the train and met our parents,
and we believe they will always travel on our side.

However, at some station our parents will step down from the train,
leaving us on this journey alone.

As time goes by, other people will board the train;
and they will be significant i.e. our siblings, friends, children,
and even the love of our life.

Many will step down and leave a permanent vacuum.
Others will go so unnoticed that we don't realize that they vacated their seats!

This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow,
fantasy, expectations, hellos, good-byes, and farewells.

Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers...
requiring that we give the best of ourselves.

The mystery to everyone is:
We do not know at which station we ourselves will step down.

So, we must live in the best way - forgive, and offer the best of who

Golf

From My InBox:

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed  was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant.  While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" Linda took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."