Smart Arse Answers!

From My InBox:

The last one is a worthy winner. 

6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.
5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid, she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, madam, they're all dead.'
3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he had stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the copper said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
2nd Place
A truck driver was driving along a country road.

A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead'.

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cabin,

and said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

SMART-ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 

A teacher at a college reminded her pupils of the next day's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being heretomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed kid at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 

'What would happen if I came intomorrowsuffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'

The other worldComm

From My InBox:

Yesterday I went to buy joss sticks and joss paper to pray for my ancestors. 

The towkay asked me if I want to buy paper iphone to burn for my ancestors. I said they know how to use or not? He said Steve Jobs already there, can teach them to use. I said ok loh. 

He asked want to buy casing? I also said ok. 

Next he asked me if I wanted Bluetooth? I said might as well loh. 

What about charger? I said need charger meh? He said of course lah, after battery no power how? So I bought the charger also. 

Then I asked for his name card. He said why you need my name card?

I said I burn for my ancestors. For warranty claim, they will contact you direct.

Bill Cosby Jr

From My InBox:

This is actually word for word what he said to a gathering of students who asked about the bailout in America …

Great response….

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .....
This man deserves a Nobel Prize

 

'They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English

I can't even talk the way these people talk:

Why you ain't,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be...

And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.

And then I heard the father talk.

Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads
You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth
In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living

People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an Education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.

The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.

These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids.

$500 sneakers for what?

And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.

I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.

Where were you when he was 2?

Where were you when he was 12?

Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol?

And where is the father? Or who is his father?

People putting their clothes on backward:
Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?

People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something?

Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?

What part of Africa did this come from??

We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa.....

I say this all of the time. It would be like white people saying they are European-American. That is totally stupid.

I was born here, and so were my parents and grand parents and, very likely my great grandparents.

I don't have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany, Scotland, England, Ireland, or the Netherlands.

The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to Africa. So stop, already!!!

With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap ......... and all of them are in jail.

Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.

We have got to take the neighborhood back.

People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now.

We have millionaire football players who cannot read.

We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job.

Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.

We have to start holding each other to a higher standard.

We cannot blame the white people any longer.'

Dr. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed. D.



WELL SAID, BILL

It's NOT about color...

It's about behavior!!!

Dating girl in China.

From My InBox:

Dating a Chinese girl can be a challenge when communicating in English !!!

Always understand what they are saying!

I met an attractive Chinese girl in a friend's wedding, I asked her if she would give me her mobile number so I could call her.

She got all excited and said: "SEX SEX SEX WANT FREE SEX TONIGHT. "

... Wow such a hot girl !...

But then, my friend interpreted for me and told me what she really said was:
6 6 6 13 6 2 9.....

It's Blog Action Day!

It's Blog Action Day and we are talking about Human Rights issues.  Find out what this is about and join us.

Human rights for blog action day from Nancy Poh

Obituary printed in the London Times

From My InBox:

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
         

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

 - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; 
 - Why the early bird gets the worm; 
 - Life isn't always fair; 
 - and maybe it was my fault. 

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. 

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. 

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.. 

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. 

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. 

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. 

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. 

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; 
I Know My Rights 
I Want It Now 
Someone Else Is To Blame 
I'm A Victim 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on.
If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Layman's Ten Commandments

From My InBox:

Guidance.....

Someone has written these beautiful words.

Must read and try to understand the deep meaning of it. They are like the ten commandments to follow in life all the time.
  
1. Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout.

2. So why is a car's windshield so large and the rear view mirror so small?  Because our past is not as important as our future.  So, look ahead and move on.

3. Friendship is like a book. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.

4. All things in life are temporary. If it's going well, enjoy it, that won't last long. If it's going badly, don't worry, that won't last long either.

5. Old friends are gold! New friends are diamonds! If you get a diamond, don't forget the gold! Because to hold a diamond, you always need a base of gold!

6. Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, God smiles from above and says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!"

7. When God solves your problems, you have faith in His abilities; when God doesn't solve your problems, He has faith in your abilities.

8. A blind person asked St. Anthony, "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied, "Yes, losing your vision!"

9. When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them; sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.

10. Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away today's peace.

If you really enjoy this, please pass to others.  It may brighten someone's  day.

HAVE A GREAT DAY AHEAD