Why involve the whole village?

Family secrets are best kept within.  Why involve the whole village?

From My InBox:

High Urinals

From My InBox:

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

Slut vs Real Man

From My InBox:

First woman on the moon

From My InBox:

"Houston we have a problem"

What?

"Never mind."

What's the problem?

"Nothing."

Please tell us!

"I'm fine."

Frank

From My InBox:

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.  He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.  You're just like Frank "

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman.  He's a guy who did everything right - all the time.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank - every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank.  He was a terrific athlete.  He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.  He could golf with the pros.  He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer.  Could remember everybody's birthday.  He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.  He could fix anything.  Not like me.  I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger.  "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

Passenger.  "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - the perfect man!"

Passenger: "An amazing fellow.  How did you meet him?

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his fucking widow."

Why teachers drink!

What could be upseting teacher the world over?

From My InBox:

These are so so funny but also sad when you consider the ignorance.


Why Teachers Drink

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q.  Name the four seasons.
A...  Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q.  How is dew formed?
A...  The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q.  What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A...  If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q.  In a democratic society, how important are elections
A...  Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q.  What are steroids?
A...  Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
      (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q.  What happens to your body as you age?
A...  When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A... He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
(So true)

Q.  Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A...  Premature death

Q.  What is artificial insemination?
A...  When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q.  How can you delay milk turning sour?
A...  Keep it in the cow
      (Simple, but brilliant)

Q.  How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A...  The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
     The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U

Q.  What is the fibula?
A...  A small lie

Q.  What does 'varicose' mean?
A...  Nearby

Q.  What is the most common form of birth control?
A...  Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
      (That would work)

Q.  Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A...  The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q.  What is a seizure?
A...  A Roman Emperor.
      (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q.  What is a terminal illness?
A...  When you are sick at the airport.
      (Irrefutable)

Q.  What does the word 'benign' mean?
A...  Benign is what you will be after you be eight
      (brilliant)

Q.  What is a turbine?
A...  Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
     

Fred

From My InBox:

Fred works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Fred! How ya doin?" 

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Fred. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" 

"I recognise her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1^st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Freddie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" 

Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. 

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Fred, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Fred's funeral will be on Saturday!!

Golf

From My InBox:

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed  was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant.  While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" Linda took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Abe and Esther - a Tax Story ...

From My InBox:

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely
on the island. 

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our Visa and MasterCard bill yet?" 

"No, sweetheart," she responds. 

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" 

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says. 

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send the Income tax cheque to Revenue Canada this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either." 

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. 

Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!" 

The Pope tells a joke

When the Pope tells a joke, what does he joke about?

Aladdin's Magic lamp

From My InBox:

A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp. She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual.            

                                

The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her the following wishes:

1- I want my husband to have eyes ONLY for me.
2- I want to be the ONLY one in his life
3- I want him to sleep always by my side
4- I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes. 

The Genie immediately turns her into a      Mobile  phone.....!

The farmer

From My InBox:

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. 
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. 

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband
to defend me..

How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall,
pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens,
and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top
of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Women live longer than men. Need proof?

Women live longer than men.  Need proof?  Watch this.

From My InBox:

Cost of driving vs...

From the Laughter Club:

Grandma knows best

From My InBox:

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

What is the fastest thing you know?

From My InBox:

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring  an  individual to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a  stack  of resumes he found four people who were equally   qualified --  an American, a Russian, an Australian  and  a  Indian

He decided to call the four in and ask them  only  one question. Their answer would determine who of them  would  get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around  the  conference room table the  interviewer  asked,
"What is the fastest thing  you know?"

Dave, the  American, replied,  "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your  head.  There's no warning that it's on the way;  it's just there.  A  thought is the fastest thing I know of." 

"That's very good!" replied  the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir , the  Russian.  
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink!  It comes and goes and you  don't  know that it ever happened.  A BLINK is the fastest  thing I know."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer.  "The blink of  an eye, that's  a very popular clich for speed."
He then turned  to George,  the Australian who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch,  you step out of the   house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that   switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep,  TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The  interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had  found his man.  "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he  said.

Turning to  Patel , the  Indian , the fourth and final  man, the interviewer posed the same question.  
Patel replied, "Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et's  obyus to me dat the fastest thing is DIARRHEA." 

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others  were  already giggling in their seats...
"Oh, I can expleyn  sir," said  Patel .  " You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was  peeling bad and so I run so fast to the  batrum, but before I could  THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had alreydi done it in my  pants!"

Patel  is now the new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart.  

Need some cheering? Read paraprosdokians.

Want to pick up a new word today?  Start with "Paraprosdokians" and end your day with a smile.

From My InBox:

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.Winston Churchill loved them.

1.  Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2.  The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3.  Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright   until you hear them speak.

4.  If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5.  We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6.  War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7.  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it   in a fruit salad.

8.  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is   research.

9.  I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of   emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the   street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they   are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute   to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call   whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more    than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting   harder and harder for me to find one now.

That's the one

From My InBox: After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. 'How 'bout that! He exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.' He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'

MY DOCTOR...

From The Laughter Club:

Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again.
~~~~~
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.
~~~~~
Another time, he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, So, the doctor gave him another six months.
~~~~~
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
~~~~~
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!" The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
~~~~~
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked,"When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start?"
~~~~~
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."
~~~~~
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these - If they don't work, give me a ring."
~~~~~
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
~~~~~
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, He told me to stop going to those places.
~~~~~
You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."

The Pope's Chauffeur

From My InBox:

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms/hr. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph. 'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'



Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.