Holy Humor

Happy Easter Holiday.  Let's remember this day with a sense of humour.

From My InBox:

Holy  Humor

During these serious and  troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four  great religious truths:
 
1. Muslims do not recognize  Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the  Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope  as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize  each other at the liquor store.
 
  
GOOD SAMARITAN A  Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good  Samaritan.  She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on  the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you  do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed  silence, "I think I'd throw up..."
  
 
DID NOAH  FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did  a lot of fishing when he was on the  Ark?"
  
"No," replied  Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.
  
 
THE LORD  IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have  her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the  Bible - Psalm 23.
She gave the youngsters a month to learn  the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just  couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely  get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to  recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.  When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said  proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to  know."
 
 
UNANSWERED PRAYER:
The preacher's 5 year-old  daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head  for a moment before starting his sermon.
One day, she asked him why.  "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of  his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good  sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she  asked.
 
 
BEING THANKFUL:
A Rabbi said to a precocious  six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each  night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" 
The little boy  replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
  
 
ALL  MEN/ALL GIRLS:
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime  prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and  every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had  finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all  girls."
This soon became part of her nightly  routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me  and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all  girls?"
Her response; "Because everybody always  finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
  
 
SAY A  PRAYER:
Little Johnny and his family were having  Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around  the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received  his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we  say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy  replied.
"Of course, you do "his mother  insisted.”We always say a prayer before eating at our  house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained.  "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to  cook.
 
 
THE BIBLE
  
Did you know  that?
 
When you carry the Bible, Satan has a  headache. When you open it, he collapses. When he sees you reading  it, he faints. Let's read the Bible every day so he keeps on  fainting. Maybe one day he'll have a stroke and never wake  up.
 
And did you also know that when you are  about to forward this email to others, the devil will discourage you  but forward it  anyway

Merry X'Mas and Happy New Year

I am not able to verify if this message is indeed written by RAJA ZARITH IDRIS, the Sultanah of Johore.  I received it via an email from a Singaporean friend.

But there is one thing for sure.  If you read the philosophy shared here, it will make you very proud just thinking that it is written by one of your countryman.

"Merry Christmas and Happy New Year"

From My InBox:

MESSAGE FROM THE SULTANAH OF JOHORE   RAJA ZARITH IDRIS (Sultanah of Johore)   Season of goodwill MIND MATTER  by RAJA ZARITH IDRIS (Sultanah of Johore) If Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Isa (Jesus), a prophet respected and revered in Islam, is it so wrong to wish a blessed day for those who celebrate it? DURING the days before Christmas last year, I wished my friends who were celebrating it "Merry Christmas" in much the same way they would wish me "Selamat Hari Raya" or "Happy Eid". I find it rather sad that such a simple greeting – one which I grew up with and which I have never regarded as something that would compromise or de-value my own faith – is now regarded as something so religiously incorrect for us Malaysian Muslims. When I was at boarding school in England , I had to go to church every Sunday because it was part of the rules. My father advised me to consider it as part of my "education" and he had no doubt that the experience would strengthen rather than weaken my own faith. I was able to see the similarities and differences between Christianity and Islam. I learned more than the average Malaysian Muslim would about Christianity. I learnt that just as we Muslims categorise ourselves according to the four different schools of thoughts of the four Imams (Imam Malik, Imam Al Shafi, Imam Abu Hanifa and Imam Ahmad Abn Hambal) and are either Sunnis or Shias, so Christians too are divided into different sects or churches. Going to church did not make me less of a Muslim when I was a young girl, and neither does saying "Merry Christmas" make me less of a Muslim now. My faith has not been shaken just because I wished some friends a time of joy with their families. Neither will I suddenly suffer from amnesia and forget what my religion is. What I do not wish to forget, however, is that there are good, kind people who are not of the same faith as me. As Harun Yahya, the Turkish writer (he was selected last year as one of the 500 most influential Muslims in the world by the Royal Isla mic Strategic Studies Centre of Jordan ) noted: "Islam is a religion of peace, love and tolerance". Today, however, some circles have been presenting a false image of Islam, as if there were conflict between Islam and the adherents of the two other monotheistic religions. Yet Islam's view of Jews and Christians, who are named `the People of the Book' in the Quran, is very friendly and tolerant. "This attitude towards the People of the Book developed during the years of the birth of Islam. At that time, Muslims were a minority, struggling to protect their faith and suffering oppression and torture from the pagans of the city of Mecca . Due to this persecution, some Muslims decided to flee Mecca and shelter in a safe country with a just ruler. The Prophet Muhammad told them to take refuge with King Negus, the Christian king of Ethiopia . The Muslims who followed this advice found a very fair administration that embraced them with love and respect when they went to Ethiopia . King Negus refused the demands of the pagan messengers who asked him to surrender the Muslims to them, and announced that Muslims could live freely in his country. "Such attitudes of Christian people that are based on the concepts of compassion, mercy, modesty and justice, constitute a fact that God has pointed out in the Quran." I do not wish to be a self-centred Muslim who expects friends of other faiths to wish me Selamat Hari Raya or, for those who are not Malaysians and therefore do not know about Hari Raya, a Happy Eid and yet do not return their goodwill when it is Christmas, Chinese New Year, Deepavali or Vesak Day. Every year, friends who are Christians, Buddhists, Hindus, Sikhs or those without any faith come to our home to celebrate Hari Raya with us. They do so with sincerity and as a mark of respect for one of the most important days in the Muslim calendar. Why should we not reciprocate their kindness, show them the same mark of respect for their religion and wish them the same joy on their holy days of celebration? An Islamic scholar and lecturer also reminded me that as Muslims we must remember the importance of both the five Pillars of Islam and in the six Pillars of Iman (Faith), which are:Belief in Allah; Belief in the angels; Belief in the revealed Books (which include the Bible, the Torah and the Holy Quran); Belief in the Prophets (May Peace be Upon Them); Belief in the Resurrection and the events of Kiamah, the Day of Judgement; and Belief in the predestination (Qada' and Qadar) by Allah in all things. The prophets include not just Muhammad (May Peace Be Upon Him) as the last prophet and as the Messenger of Islam, but also in the 24 earlier ones who are mentioned in both the Bible and the Quran. Four of them are Ibrahim (Abraham), Musa (Moses), Daud (David), and Isa (Jesus). So, if Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Isa (Jesus), a prophet respected and revered in Islam, is it so wrong to wish a blessed day for those who celebrate it? We are now in the second decade of the 21st century. Surely, we should, now more than ever, be far more enlightened at a time when information of any sort and of all kinds are so readily available to us. What is most important is that we regard one another as fellow citizens and treat each other with respect, regardless of our race or religion. The writer is Royal Fellow, School of Language Studies and Linguistics, Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia (UKM), and holds a BA (Honours) degree in Chinese Studies, University of Oxford . [The writer is also the current Sultanah of Johor]

Creation of Love

With love, this can happen anyway.

From My InBox:

The ability to bridge the different religions and nationalities is really remarkable and admirable!

Church Bulletins

From My InBox:

Church Ladies With typewriters. . .

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

for your guidance

From My InBox:

Beautiful conversation……

From My InBox:

Man: God?
God: Yes?
Man: Can I ask you something?
God: Of course!
Man: What is for you a million of years?
God: A second.
Man: And a million dollars?
God: A penny.
Man: God, Can you give me a penny?
God: Wait a second.

A Jew's confession

I did not verify if this article was really by Ben Stein but there are some interesting points to pick up and digest.

From My Inbox:

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against.. That's what they are, Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu .. If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Hurricane Katrina). Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'

In light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc.. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said okay..

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit.

If not, then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in..



My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,

Ben Stein

The Secret

From My InBox:


One day, one friend asked another,

'How is it that you are always so happy?

You have so much energy,

and you never seem to get down.'





With her eyes smiling, she said,

'I know the Secret!'

'What secret is that?'

To which she replied,

'I'll tell you all about it,

but you have to promise to

share the Secret with others.'





'The Secret is this:

I have learned there is little I can do

in my life that will make me truly happy.

I must depend on God to make

me happy and to meet my needs.

When a need arises in my life,

I have to trust God to supply

according to HIS riches.

I have learned most of the time

I don't need half of what I think I do.

He has never let me down.

Since I learned that 'Secret', I am happy.'





The questioner's first thought was,

'That's too simple!'

But upon reflecting over her own life

she recalled how she thought a bigger house

would make her happy, but it didn't!

She thought a better paying job

would make her happy, but it hadn't.

When did she realize her greatest happiness?

Sitting on the floor with her grandchildren,

playing games, eating pizza or reading a story,

a simple gift from God.





Now you know it too!

We can't depend on people to make us happy.

Only GOD in His infinite wisdom can do that.

Trust HIM!

And now I pass the Secret on to you!

So once you get it, what will you do?





YOU have to tell someone the Secret, too!

That GOD in His wisdom will take care of YOU!

But it's not really a secret...

We just have to believe it and do it...

Really trust God!





Just Pass It On!

Do your best; let God do the rest.




Today I pray your troubles be less,

May your blessings be more,

and May nothing but happiness

come through your door!!

Amen

A note about conversion

From My InBox:

George Carlin - Religion is bullshit.

What is being intelligent to you? I think it is when you are able to joke about religion and not be murdered for blasphemy. Here is George Carlin showing you the trick.
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From My InBox:



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Do you agree that religion is bullshit? I think that a belief is not a bullshit till it is practiced according to human perception.

Monastery Life

From My InBox:

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot..

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, 'We missed theR! We missed theR! We missed theR!' His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...

'CELEBRATE !

A short story about a little boy...

From My InBox:

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... you don't
even know the way to the Post Office."

just for laughs

From My InBox:

4 Worms and a lesson

From My InBox:

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.

Memo from God

From My InBox:

To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: GOD
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

This is God. Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day.
I love you.

P.S. And, remember...
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!

Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you. You may have touched their life in ways you will never know!
Now, you have a nice day.
God

WHAT HAPPENS IN HEAVEN ...

From My InBox:

This is one of the nicest e-mails I have seen and is so true:

I dreamed that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, 'This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received'

I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.

Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.

The angel then said to me, 'This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them. 'I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.

Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. 'This is the Acknowledgment Section,' my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed 'How is it that there is no work going on here?' I asked.

'So sad,' the angel sighed. 'After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments .'

'How does one acknowledge God's blessings?' I asked.

'Simple,' the angel answered. Just say, 'Thank you, God.'

'What blessings should they acknowledge? ' I asked.

'If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy .'

'And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity. '

'If you woke up this morning with more health than illness ... you are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day .'

'If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... you are ahead of 700 million people in the world.'

'If you can attend a church without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world! .'

'If your parents are still alive and still married ...you are very rare .'

'If you can hod your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and despair.'

Ok, what now? How can I start?

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.

Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you want, pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are.

ATTN:

Acknowledge Dept.: 'Thank you God, for giving me the ability to share this message and for giving me so many wonderful people to share it with.'

If you have read this far, and are thankful for all that you have been blessed with, how can you not send it on???? I thank God for everything, especially all my family and friends!!

The Secret

From My InBox:

One day, one friend asked another,
'How is it that you are always so happy?
You have so much energy,
and you never seem to get down.'

With her eyes smiling, she said,
'I know the Secret!'
'What secret is that?'
To which she replied,
'I'll tell you all about it,
but you have to promise to
share the Secret with others.'

'The Secret is this:
I have learned there is little I can do
in my life that will make me truly happy.
I must depend on God to make
me happy and to meet my needs.
When a need arises in my life,
I have to trust God to supply
according to HIS riches.
I have learned most of the time
I don't need half of what I think I do.
He has never let me down.
Since I learned that 'Secret', I am happy.'

The questioner's first thought was,
'That's too simple!'
But upon reflecting over her own life
she recalled how she thought a bigger house
would make her happy, but it didn't!
She thought a better paying job
would make her happy, but it hadn't.
When did she realize her greatest happiness?
Sitting on the floor with her grandchildren,
playing games, eating pizza or reading a story,
a simple gift from God.

Now you know it too!
We can't depend on people to make us happy.
Only GOD in His infinite wisdom can do that.
Trust HIM!
And now I pass the Secret on to you!
So once you get it, what will you do?

YOU have to tell someone the Secret, too!
That GOD in His wisdom will take care of YOU!
But it's not really a secret...
We just have to believe it and do it...
Really trust God!

Just Pass It On!

WASH DAY

This is fresh like just washed laundry to me. As time pass, it does not
matter whether emails you received are fresh or old one, forwarded many times over. You just have to read them cos you forgot what you have read before. And it is wonderful when they still reads good.

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From My InBox:

Monday WashDay
Lord, help me wash away all my selfishness and vanity, so I may serve you with perfect humility through the week ahead.
Tuesday Ironing Day
Dear Lord, help me iron out all the wrinkles
of prejudice I have collected through the years so that I may see the beauty in others.
Wednesday Mending Day
O God, help me mend my ways so I will not
set a bad example for others.
Thursday Cleaning Day
Lord Jesus, help me to dust out all the many faults I have been hiding in the secret corners of my heart.
Friday Shopping Day
O God, give me the grace to shop wisely so I may purchase eternal happiness for myself and all others in need of love.
Saturday Cooking Day
Help me, my Savior, to brew a big kettle of brotherly love and serve it with clean, sweet bread of human kindness.
Sunday The Lord's Day
O God, I have prepared my house for you. Please come into my heart so I may spend the day and the rest of my life in your presence.
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If this message has inspired you in any way or you feel that it can brighten someone else's day, please forward it.



"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

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PREACHING

From My InBox:

Some pastors preach "longhorn sermons," a point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.

Source Unknown.

One pastor never prepared during the week, and on Sunday morning he'd sit on the platform while the church was singing the hymns desperately praying, "Lord, give your message, Lord give me your message." One Sunday, while desperately praying for God's message, he heard the Lord say, "Ralph, here's my message. You're lazy!"

Source Unknown.

The Rev. Dr. Robert South, while preaching one day in 1689, looked up from his notes to observe that his entire congregation was fast asleep--including the King! Appropriately mortified by this discovery, he interrupted his sermon to call out, "Lord Lauderdale, rouse yourself. You snore so loudly that you will wake the King."

Source Unknown.



The world does not need sermons; it needs a message. You can go to seminary and learn how to preach sermons, but you will have to go to God to get messages.

Oswald J. Smith.

Samuel Clement (Mark Twain) attended a Sunday a.m. sermon. He met the pastor at the door afterward and told him that he had a book at home with every word he had preached that morning. The minister assured him that the sermon was an original. Clement still held his position. The pastor wanted to see this book so Clement said he would sent it over in the morning. When the preacher unwrapped it he found a dictionary and in the flyleaf was written this: "Words, just words, just words."

Source Unknown.

Long-winded speakers exhaust their listeners long before the exhaust their subjects. Recognizing this danger, one speaker began his talk this way: "I understand that it's my job to talk to you. Your job is to listen. If you quit before I do, I hope you'll let me know."

Bits & Pieces, May 28, 1992, p. 13.

Charles Haddon Spurgeon, known as "the prince of preachers," felt he delivered his sermon so poorly one Sunday that he was ashamed of himself. As he walked away from his church, the Metropolitan Tabernacle in London, he wondered how any good could come from that message. When he arrived home, he dropped to his knees and prayed, "Lord God, You can do something with nothing. Bless that poor sermon."

In the months that followed, 41 people said that they had decided to trust Christ as Saviour because of that "weak" message. The following Sunday, to make up for his previous "failure," Spurgeon had prepared a "great" sermon -- but no one responded.

Spurgeon's experience underscores two important lessons for all who serve the Lord. First, we need the blessing of God on our efforts. Solomon said in Psalm 127:1, "Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it." And second, our weakness is an occasion for the working of God's power. The apostle Paul said, "I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Cor. 12:10).

Our Daily Bread, May 18, 1992.

There is a tale told of that great English actor Macready. An eminent preacher once said to him: "I wish you would explain to me something." "Well, what is it? I don't know that I can explain anything to a preacher." "What is the reason for the difference between you and me? You are appearing before crowds night after night with fiction, and the crowds come wherever you go. I am preaching the essential and unchangeable truth, and I am not getting any crowd at all." Macready's answer was this: "This is quite simple. I can tell you the difference between us. I present my fiction as though it were truth; you present your truth as though it were fiction."

G. Campbell Morgan, Preaching, p. 36.

A lot of preaching is motivated by love for preaching, not love of people.

Vance Havner.

A prepared messenger is more important than a prepared message.

Robert Munger.

Don't unsay with your life what you say with your tongue.

Richard Baxter.

Never rely on the cleverness of the exposition, but on the Holy Spirit.

E.M. Bounds.

All God's giants have been weak men and women who did great things for God because they reckoned on God's power and presence being with them.

Hudson Taylor.





In a recent issue of Glass Window, a contributor recalls that several years ago, The British Weekly published this provocative letter: It seems ministers feel their sermons are very important and spend a great deal of time preparing them. I have been attending church quite regularly for 30 years and I have probably heard 3,000 of them. To my consternation, I discovered I cannot remember a single sermon. I wonder if a minister's time might be more profitable spent on something else?

For weeks a storm of editorial responses ensued. . . finally ended by this letter: I have been married for 30 years. During that time I have eaten 32,850 meals--mostly my wife's cooking. Suddenly I have discovered I cannot remember the menu of a single meal. And yet . . . I have the distinct impression that without them, I would have starved to death long ago.

John Schletewitz.

Mr. Wesley, at the age of 87, in a letter to Alexander Mather, uttered these thrilling words: "Give me one hundred preachers who fear nothing but sin and desire nothing but God, and I care not a straw whether they be clergymen or laymen: such alone will shake the gates of hell, and set up the Kingdom on Heaven upon earth."

Resource, July/August, 1990.

A man went to see his doctor for advice about being cured of snoring. The doctor asked, "Does your snoring disturb your wife?"

The patient replied, "Does it disturb my wife? Why it disturbs the entire congregation."

Source Unknown.

10 Reasons Why God Created Eve!

From My InBox:

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would never ask directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see what else is on television.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to be someone to bear children, because men would never be able to handle it.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden" Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone." He only ends up getting himself in trouble.

AND the #1 REASON WHY GOD CREATED EVE is ...

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1. When God had finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I know I can do better than THIS!!"