Need some cheers? Laughing at others mistakes should help.
From My InBox:
From My InBox:
Showing posts with label Funny but true. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny but true. Show all posts
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Friday, August 8, 2014
Things Only A Mom Can Teach You.
After reading this, remember that things only a mom can teach you are also the things your mother have to go through to teach you.
From My InBox:
Things Only A Mom Can Teach You
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE -
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don,'t talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me LOGIC -
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you''re not going to the store with me."
My Mother taught me AGRICULTURE -
"If you don't stop swallowing those seeds, you're going to have watermelons growing out your nose."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you''ll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on! Don''t you think I know when you''re cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don''t come running to me."
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE -
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don,'t talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me LOGIC -
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you''re not going to the store with me."
My Mother taught me AGRICULTURE -
"If you don't stop swallowing those seeds, you're going to have watermelons growing out your nose."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you''ll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on! Don''t you think I know when you''re cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don''t come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you''ll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about SEX -
"How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You''re just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand.
My Mother taught me about JUSTICE -
"One day you''ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you''ll see what it's like."
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you''ll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about SEX -
"How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You''re just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand.
My Mother taught me about JUSTICE -
"One day you''ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you''ll see what it's like."
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Well Said !!
From My InBox:
CONFUCIUS SAYS ...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Finally, CONFUCIUS DID SAY ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
Monday, July 28, 2014
The difference between "complete" and "finished."
From My InBox:
No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished."
However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best
linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to
make that very distinction.
The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: "Some say there is no difference
between 'complete' and'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."
Mr. Balgobin's response: "When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong
woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'"
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best
linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to
make that very distinction.
The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: "Some say there is no difference
between 'complete' and'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."
Mr. Balgobin's response: "When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong
woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'"
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Pfizer Announcement
From My InBox:
Pfizer Announcement ........Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a very powerful beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of ....... MOUNT & DO!Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Need some cheering? Read paraprosdokians.
Want to pick up a new word today? Start with "Paraprosdokians" and end your day with a smile.
From My InBox:
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.Winston Churchill loved them.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
From My InBox:
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.Winston Churchill loved them.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Sayings for Thinkers
From My InBox:
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
~ Timothy Jones
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
~ Timothy Jones
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)
From the Laughter Club:
Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!!
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!
===================================================
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot.."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
We senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The tv remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
An Ode To English Plurals
Warning: Not to be shown to children with poor results in English or it will be used as a reason to explain why they can't do better.
From My InBox:
An Ode To English Plurals
-Author Unknown-
From My InBox:
An Ode To English Plurals
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
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Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
-Author Unknown-
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
A Two Letter Word - Many Meanings
I thought about it and came up with...
Make up and make up XXX
From My InBox:
TALK ABOUT BIG LITTLE WORDS...THIS HAS TO BE THE BIGGEST
Think about it.
UP
Read until the end.....you'll laugh....
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter
word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv],
[prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and
why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver,
warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times this little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets,
work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at
night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP,
look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized
dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP
to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways
UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may
wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it soaks UP the earth.
When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now .......my time is UP !
Oh....one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
UP !
Did that one crack you UP?
Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you
look UP in your address book..or not...it's UP to you.
Now I'll shut UP
Make up and make up XXX
From My InBox:
TALK ABOUT BIG LITTLE WORDS...THIS HAS TO BE THE BIGGEST
Think about it.
UP
Read until the end.....you'll laugh....
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter
word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv],
[prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and
why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver,
warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times this little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets,
work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at
night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP,
look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized
dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP
to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways
UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may
wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it soaks UP the earth.
When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now .......my time is UP !
Oh....one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
UP !
Did that one crack you UP?
Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you
look UP in your address book..or not...it's UP to you.
Now I'll shut UP
Sunday, October 17, 2010
About Life Without Cell Phones & What Not...
From My InBox:
If you are 30 or older, you might think this is hilarious! but so TRUE..
And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!
Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd
(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile)
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were.
When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning...Uphill...Barefoot...
BOTH ways yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.
If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no e-mail!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MPH's or HMV or iTunes!
If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless.
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!
If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!There weren't any freaking' cell phones either.If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one.
You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends".
Think of the horror...not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please!
You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!
It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent...you just didn't know!!!
You had to pick it up and take your chances!
We didn't have any fancy Play Station or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'.
Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!!
And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen...Forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!
And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!
And our parents told us to stay outside and play...all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside...you were doing chores!
And car seats - please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!
And car seats - please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!
The Over 30 Crowd
(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile)
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Spread the Stupidity
From My InBox:
Spread the Stupidity
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America .....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ..........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..
Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while. Spread the Stupidity!
GO COWBOYS!!!!!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
UNIVERSAL LAWS
From My InBox:
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
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