Thursday, December 29, 2011

Car Key your best Alarm System

From My InBox:

What to take to bed with you - not a joke . 

Pretty neat idea. Never thought of it before.

Put your car keys beside your bed at night.
 
Tell your spouse, your children, your neighbours, your parents, your Dr's office, the check-out girl at the market, everyone you run across. Put your car keys beside your bed at night.

If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies.

This tip came from a neighbourhood watch coordinator. Next time you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of this: It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Test it.

It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key fob chain.

It works if you park in your driveway or garage. If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break into your house, odds are the burglar/rapist won't stick around.

After a few seconds all the neighbours will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that.

And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there. This is something that should really be shared with everyone. Maybe it could save a life or a sexual abuse crime.

P.S.

I am sending this to everyone I know because I think it is fantastic.

Would also be useful for any emergency, such as a heart attack, where you can't reach a phone.

My Mom has suggested to my Dad that he carry his car keys with him in case he falls outside and she doesn't hear him.. He can activate the car alarm and then she'll know there's a problem.

Please pass this on even IF you've read it before. It's a reminder.

 
 








1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years

From My InBox:

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years ‪‬

Interesting Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned: The next time Charles gets married, someone should
warn the Pope

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST...

From The Laughter Club:

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL. THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the...

From My InBox:

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop...

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix them, put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

Try doing it with the engine running.

THE DANGER OF USING WARM/ HOT WATER DISPENSER !!

From My InBox:

        Do not forget the Tea/Coffee in Coffee house and Hotel !! 
        
        Sin Chiew's article on re-boiled water......spells danger! 

        See Attachment in Chinese media. 
        Translated version as follows:- 

        THIS IS NOT A NEW DISCOVERY BUT MANY OF US JUST IGNORE IT ALL THE WHILE! 

        A pharmacist report from Singapore warn people NEVER to keep boiling your drinking water!! 

        Report Summary: TOP harmful chemical named (Toxic Nitrate) is produced in water when you keep boiling it!! This harmful substance had been proved to increase the chances of intestinal and stomach cancer. 

        IF you are currently using a 'WATER DISPENSER with WARM / HOT WATER Functions' or 'Electric AUTO keep warm Thermos' for your convenience , STOP IT NOW  otherwise you would be killing yourself slowly as well as your loved ones!! 

        NOWADAYS, there are so many drinking water companies which OFFER FREE WATER DISPENSER when you order drinking water from them! THINK WISELY before you order! 

        YOU might get FREE water dispenser but in fact you would be paying with  your  OWN HEALTH!! 

       

Three Holy Men and a Bear

From the Laughter Club

Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper
Peninsula of Michigan .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
God , he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you
KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And
then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him
and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as
a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in
a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not
have been the best way to start.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

BRA Skills

You think you know all about bras?

From My InBox:

Q: Which is the striped BRA? zeBRA

Q: Poisonous BRA? coBRA

Q: Mathematical BRA? algeBRA

Q: Zodiacal BRA? liBRA

Q: Magical BRA? aBRAkadaBRA

Q: Religious BRA? BRAhmin! BRAhma!

Q: Metallic bra? BRAss

Q: Anjelina Jolie's Bra? BRAd pit...

Q: Botany BRA? BRAnch

Q: Marketing BRA? BRAnd!

Q: puctuation bra? BRAcket

Q: Scary bra? GhaBRAahat!!!!

Q: A room where BRA's are kept? LiBRAry

Q: Bra which became the American President and inspired the whole world? ABRAham Lincoln!

Q: Which bra is very important for any vehicle? BRAke

Q: Brave Bra - BRAvado

Q: Donkeys language? BRAying

Q: Where do naughty thoughts originate? BRAin


AND U THOUGHT ONLY WOMEN USE A BRA ???

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Stroke - Symptoms and Prevention

From My InBox:

Three years ago I was struck down by a stroke. Three years later I am still stricken with the malady. In the beginning, I asked doctors about the condition and was told that there is no cure for stroke. . I asked about the symptoms and was told there are no symptoms meaning a stroke will attack a person suddenly, without warning. That is bad news, very bad news.

Following my own advice, I did not believe that. So, I thought back to my experiences and I found that there are plenty of signs that a person is susceptible to an attack of the deadly stroke. Hah! If you cannot cure it at least you can prevent it. That is what we should all do. We must choose to avoid the stroke or be condemned to consuming tons of pills whose veracity is questionable. How do we go about that, how can we prevent stroke. Will it be expensive? Will it be time consuming? Before we go into details let us first recognize the symptoms, the signs if you like.

More than thirty years ago, while reversing my car, I suddenly found that I could not move my right leg. It simply refused to obey me. I went to see a doctor immediately and all I got was two days medical leave. That was the first sign that I was heading for a stroke. After two days rest, I was back on my feet as if nothing had happened. I just put it down to work stress and physical and mental exhaustion. When I was afflicted with the stroke and certain parts of my body refused to obey me I realized that I had experienced that feeling before.

I will now endeavor to put down on paper, for you, the other signs so that you may recognize a potential victim before the stroke strikes and be able to take evasive steps to prevent it happening. These signs will be presented randomly as they come to mind.

1. When walking you stumble even on level ground.

2. You kick the legs of chairs and tables when you usually walk pass them effortlessly. 1 & 2 is because your legs are not as strong as they used to be although you do not realize it.

3. You sometimes find you cannot pronounce the 'ar' sound and it comes out as 'el', your speech is slurred and sometimes you drool.

4. The pen you are holding slips from your fingers. Holding up the newspaper can be a problem because your fingers have lost their flexibility. You think it is clumsiness when in truth it is not. It is caused by your muscles having lost their strength.

5. After sitting for some time you find that you cannot stand up as usual. You lose your balance and fall back onto the seat.

6. You also lose your balance when you squat and may find yourself sitting instead of standing up.

7. You are always sleepy even after a good night's sleep. This sleepiness is quite different from the usual tiredness you experience after a restless or late night.

8. Urinating has become a problem. Instead of a strong stream what you get is a trickle and this causes you to go to the toilet often.

9. Constipation becomes more frequent as your rectal muscles do not work well anymore.

10. Sometimes you will find you are forgetful and mental activities become difficult as your brain weakens through lack of nourishment. Blood is not getting through to your brain quickly enough.

Some of these signs will come and go, so much so that you do not take them seriously when they do occur. You tend to pass them off as signs of physical and mental stress and fatigue or in certain cases of aging. Since there is no pain you do not think it necessary to see a doctor. Anyway, the signs come on only momentarily and disappear almost at once. So that you think it is not anything serious and a visit to a doctor is out of the question, until it is too late that is. Then, it is the doctor who has to come to you. Another thing, the signs are similar to many other diseases and illnesses which are quite common. Seeing a doctor would be rather pointless, as far as a stroke is concerned, as you would only describe the symptoms you are experiencing at that particular moment.

Now we come to the important part of this discourse, how do we prevent stroke. What can we do or rather what should we do when these signs appear one by one. Let it be known that I am not a doctor and never in my dreams do I even pretend to be one. So what I am about to tell you is mostly from my own experience. Firstly, when you find that your body is not functioning as it should, that some parts are slacking and not obeying your brain as it normally does, you should start exercising. Go for long walks. Incidentally, you will experience immediate benefits even while exercising, such as clearer vision and mental alertness. Make it a habit to go for walks at least three times a week. Do not stop. I did go for walks but then I stopped when the symptoms disappeared. I made the mistake of not exercising for far too long and then it was too late. The stroke struck!

Remember, regular exercise is very important in promoting blood circulation. Of course, other forms of exercises will be just as good for you. One word of advise, exercises performed with the use of machines are not necessarily the best and that is why I advocate free hand exercises like walking, jogging and swimming.

Drinking lots of water helps immensely. Drink two glasses of water first thing in the morning every morning. Then drink one or two mouthfuls every half hour or whenever thirsty. This is to provide the blood stream with a regular supply of fresh water as our body gets rid of water all the time. We lose water when we breathe, sweat and urinate. Lack of water means poor blood circulation which can lead to stroke.

Eating proper foods is also important and I mean greens and fruits on a daily basis. Everything else can be enjoyed in moderation. A monk who practices healing advised me on certain foods to take to prevent the occurrence of stroke.

It is my pleasure to be able to share it with you here. He said that to prevent stroke I should drink a soup made of one cucumber and one red tomato. Boil them together, strain and drink one or two glasses daily. That will help prevent the blood from coagulating (or is it congealing?). Stroke affects the brain and the best remedy for it is egg yolk. The monk suggested I take the yolk from free-range chickens leaving out the white. The egg must be hard boiled. Consuming egg yolks is also recommended for elderly people as well as school children because it helps to nourish the brain and thus improves memory.

What do we do when someone is suddenly seized by a stroke? Chinese physicians will use a pin to prick the ends of the fingers and toes, all twenty of them, and squeeze out a few drops of blood from each prick. The logic is that by drawing blood one is stimulating the flow of blood. Think of it as unlocking a traffic jam. The needle must first be disinfected by putting it over a flame and wiped clean with tissue paper. Everyone and anyone can do this because there is absolutely no danger whatsoever. Wait, not everybody can do that. Oh? Yes, those people who are afraid of blood, else we will have two patients instead of one.

Okey, you are now as expert as I am in the matter of strokes. Share the information herein with anyone and everyone who is willing to lend you their ears. Perhaps, there will be less people afflicted with the dreaded stroke (slight shiver).

MAY YOU ALL ALWAYS BE WELL,
MAY YOU ALL ALWAYS BE HAPPY.


"A man is too apt to forget that in this world he cannot have everything. A choice is all that is left

Friday, October 21, 2011

How's Ole Blue doing?

From My InBox:

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program? " Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. The boy now has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

Thursday, October 20, 2011

The baboon

From My InBox:

A priest is driving down the road in Cape Point when he comes across
a baboon lying dead on the road. He contacts the police to inform
them of his find.

A cocky black desk sergeant laughed and said "did you give it the last rites ".

"No" said the priest "I thought I'd inform his next of kin
first..............."

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

What is the worst age to be?

From The Laughter Club:

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing happens."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't
have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the
toilet all day and nothin' happens!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00 . I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no
problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30 ."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap
every morning at 6:30 . So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00........"

SUPPORT "LEARN SCIENCE AND MATHEMATICS IN ENGLISH (PPSMI)"

When technology is always changing, is it logical for Malaysian government to establish a RM2 million fund to publish advanced academic books on science and technology in the Malay language?

The right thing to do is to encourage learning of science and technology in English so that we can catch up and compete with technologically advanced countries. So let us support "LEARNING SCIENCE AND MATHEMATICS IN ENGLISH (PPSMI)"

Please read, take part and forward.

Please email, share and/or share this with all your friends so that we can quickly collect the numbers that we need to transform us all into a voice loud enough to be heard. Hopefully with everybody’s effort, we can make this go viral on the internet and strengthen our voice in the shortest time possible.

Dear Students, Parents and Malaysians,

MALAYSIANS APPEAL TO THE GOVERNMENT FOR THE OPTION TO LEARN SCIENCE AND MATHEMATICS IN ENGLISH (RETAIN PPSMI AS AN OPTION)



You would have heard by now that the teaching and learning of Science and Mathematics in English (better known as PPSMI) will be abolished in January 2012. The Parent Action Group for Education Malaysia (PAGE) has been in the forefront to champion the cause to maintain the policy for those who wish their children to learn these two (2) subjects in its lingua franca that is English.

Here is how the abolishment of this policy is going to affect you.

For Primary School Students

You have been learning Science and Mathematics in English since Standard 1, however when you enter into Form 1, you will have to learn these subjects in Bahasa Melayu until Form 5 and do your PMR and SPM in Bahasa Melayu. After SPM, you will revert the study of these two (2) subjects back to English.

For Secondary School Students

If you are entering Form 1 in 2012, then you have been learning Science and Mathematics in English since Standard 1, however in 2012, you will have to learn these subjects in Bahasa Melayu from Form 1 until Form 5 and do your PMR and SPM in Bahasa Melayu.

If you are entering Form 4 in 2012, be prepared ... you may have to switch to Bahasa Melayu for Science and Maths after learning these subjects in English for the past 9 years, do your SPM in Bahasa Melayu and then switch back to English when you enter college or university. Yes we know this is crazy and unless you are “super-adaptable”, you will most likely be stressed out and confused. We have heard that the choice of language for Form 4 in 2012 may be determined by the Gurubesar of the different schools (???).

If you are not in Form 1 or Form 4 in 2012, there is no escape either. You WILL eventually be affected by the change when you reach Form 4.

If you have just completed your SPM in 2011, then you are in the luckiest group !!! You will be able to go straight into college and continue to do these subjects in English.

For Parents and Malaysians in General

After only a few years of implementing PPSMI and despite strong evidence that PPSMI is good for our students and Malaysia’s future generations, the Government has decided to change its mind and will abolish this policy in 2012. They think that it is best for ALL Malaysian school children NOT to learn Science and Mathematics in English. They actually believe that learning these two subjects in Bahasa Melayu is adequate and equivalent (or better) than to learn it in Englsh !!! ???

The sad truth is that despite the constant voices that they hear and read wishing for the option of PPSMI, the authorities seemed determined to proceed with the abolishment with the excuse that PPSMI will be replaced with another policy known as MBMMBI, to improve the standard of English amongst Malaysian students.

They keep missing the point (maybe on purpose) that we want PPSMI, not to improve the standard of English but rather, we want PPSMI simply because of the need to learn the subjects of Science and Mathematics in its lingua franca, that is English, for our children to be globally competitive, and for our nation to progress in the desired direction and speed.

In realising that perhaps the voices speaking out for the retention of the PPSMI policy (for those who want it) are too soft or too sporadic, PAGE Malaysia has decided to go all out on a nationwide wide and international campaign to reach out to as many Malaysian students and Malaysians wherever they are in the world, to come together as one and to build up the voice of the “silent majority” to inform the authorities that there exists a large and substantial number of Malaysian citizens (children and adults) would like to have the option for our students to learn Science and Mathematics in English.

We are not against the MBMMBI policy nor are we against the wishes of other groups who prefer to learn Science and Mathematics in Bahasa Melayu, Mandarin or Tamil.

We are simply asking to be heard and for the right to have the freedom of choice for an option to learn these two subjects in English, alongside Bahasa Melayu, Mandarin and Tamil.


Where and how to make your preference known

PAGE Malaysia has specially set up two (2) separate platforms for Students and for Parents and Malaysians to register their wishes.


Students are requested to visit : http://goo.gl/QHd42
Parents and Malaysians are requested to visit : http://goo.gl/cFSlD

1. 2012 is just a mere two (2) months away … do visit the website, complete the form today and make a difference !!!

2. Please email, like and share this with all your friends so that we can quickly collect the numbers that we need to transform us all into a voice loud enough to be heard.

3. Hopefully with everybody’s effort, we can make this go viral on the internet and strengthen our voice in the shortest time possible.


Thank you.


PAGE
Parent Action Group for Education (1266-10-WKL)
pagemalaysia@gmail.com
www.pagemalaysia.org
For Our Children. Demi Anak Kita

18 October 2011

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

My bitter half.......

From My InBox:

Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband. "Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!

The are 2 times when a Man doesn't understand a Woman. Before Marriage and After Marriage.
My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences. He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't.
Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet.
Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In & Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.
Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?
Because When They Arrive, They're wet and wild,
But When They Go, They Take Your House And Car...
A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He Can Remove A Curse He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.
The Wizard Says, "Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell Me The Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You.
"The Man Says Without Hesitation, "I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife."
Husband Searching Keywords on Google `How to Tackle Wife? Google Search Result, "Still Searching`.
A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says, "Doctor, My Wife Is Unfaithful To Me. Every Evening, She Goes To Larry's Bar And Picks Up Men. In Fact, She Sleeps With Anybody Who Asks Her! I'm Going Crazy. What Do You Think I Should Do?" "Relax," Says The Doctor, "Take A Deep Breath And Calm Down. Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where Is Larry's Bar?"
Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife’s Photo and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target... From Another Room Wife Called The Husband: “Honey What Are You Doing...Husband: “MISSING YOU”...
A Man Goes To See The Rabbi. "Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."

The Rabbi Asked, "What's Wrong?"
The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."
The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what I should do?"
The Rabbi Then Offers, "Tell You What. Let Me Talk to Her, I'll See What I Can Find out and I'll Let You Know."
The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says, "Well, I Spoke To Her For Three Hours. You Want My Advice?"
The Man Said "Yes"
The Rabbi Replied, "Take the poison’

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY.........
Women are like phones:

They like to be held,
talked to and
touched often.
But push the wrong button
and you're disconnected......

Difference Between Complete & Finish...

People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is... When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED..... And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!

Romantic SMS Romantic...SMS She sends the following message:

My love if you're sleeping, send me your dreams
If you're smiling, send me your smile
If you're crying, send me your tears
I love you
He Replied: I'm in the toilet. What do I send?

Saturday, October 8, 2011

What causes arthritis?

From My InBox:

A drunken man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father,what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'


MORAL:Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Irish Burial at Sea

From My InBox:


Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
'Aye 'tis,

NOW hand me dat shovel.'

LIFE' THOUGHTS BY 'DUCKY

From The Laughter Club.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
A completely brilliant question!!!!!!!

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -
and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Another completely brilliant question!!!!

And remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
You just might want to pass this along...

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Free learning at Khan Academy

You can save on paying tuition fees if you allow your children to learn online at Khan Academy.

What can they learn there? Plenty as there are over 2400 videos from arithmetic to physics, and finance to learn from. And you don't have to pay anything because the project is funded by Bill Gates Foundation.

Will the lessons be boring for the children? Check one out yourself.



If you don't find that boring, why should they? They are more likely to get hook on it if they are into "earning badges and points".

Sunday, September 11, 2011

NOT EVERYONE CAN TELL JOKES

From My InBox:

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He Said :
"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause!!


A week later, a top manager trained by the speaker tried to crack this good joke at home.

But he was already a bit foggy after a drink.
He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner:
"The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went:
"Huh??!" with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the man finally blurted out:
"....and I can't remember who she was!"
By the time he regained consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.


Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

just for laughs


An elderly couple, who were both widowed,
had been going out with each other for a
long time.  
 

Urged on by their friends, they decided
it was finally time to get married. 

Before the wedding, they went out to
dinner and had a conversation regarding
how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living
arrangements and so on. 

 

Finally, the old gentleman decided it
was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship. 

'How do you feel about sex?'

he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

 
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment,

adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -

'Is that one word or two?'


























Loving Couple

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed
by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as:
Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's
wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind
about 10 years a go, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is."

Two Woodpeckers

From My InBox:

So, this Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat... Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton were right, when they said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Two women were playing golf

From The Laughter Club:

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

National Symbol; pick your fav country

From My InBox:

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

What's drowning like?

What's drowning like? This is a question I never thought of asking until I read a newsletter from Dr Ben Kim. It reminded me of a near drowning experience I had as a kid, which was exactly what was described in this video. Watch it and you may save a life one day.

Drowning signs aren't like the movies: wivb.com

Smile.....

From My InBox:












Monday, September 5, 2011

Save RM2 per month

Pay your TM Streamyx Internet Bill by Visa credit card through auto pay facilities provided by TM and save RM2 per month plus a chance to win a prize.

To be eligible for TM Autopay Visa promotion, you need to:

1) be a subscriber to TM products and services.
2) be a principal or supplementary Visa cardholder, either credit or debit cards with an active account
3) register online at http://www.tmonline.com.my/ or pick up relevant form the nearest TMpoint.  Fill it up and submit it there or fax it to 03-2240 8242 or 03-2240 8204 or 03 – 2240 1670

This promotion ends on Sept 30, 2011.
Read more about it from thestar, at the following link:

http://thestar.com.my/metro/story.asp?file=/2010/4/16/central/6048237&sec=central

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Larry Is In The Hospital . . . ....


From The Laughter Club:

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is in the Royal Brisbane Hospital, Critical Care Unit.

New Treatment For Sunburn

Read this with a pinch of salt and laugh.

From The Laughter Club

Bet you never thought of this... New Treatment For Sunburn -

A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for sever al hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital , and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding

with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?’

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.'

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

A Cardiologist's Funeral

From My InBox:

A Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.......
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, '
I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

What Are Words

Subscribe to newsletter from Dr Ben Kim and this will be one of the stuff you will stumble upon. 

http://drbenkim.com/what-are-words-chris-medina.htm

From My InBox:

A video featuring the story of Chris Medina and his fiancee, Julie, who suffered brain damage in a car accident shortly before they were to be married.


Lyrics for "What Are Words," by Chris Medina

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most
What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone
And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am
And I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight
And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most
What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone
Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most
I'm forever keeping my angel close

Chords for "What Are Words," by Chris Medina

"What Are Words" @ tabs.ultimate-guitar.com

Friday, July 22, 2011

Maxis "Friend Finder" not friendly

Are you using Maxis "Friend Finder" service?  If you are, it is time to stop because you should not be paying to get the wrong answers.    

Cooking lunch for my hubby today, I thought I should check on "Friend Finder" to see if he is already on the way back before cooking the vegetable.  I know he is at his worksite near Jalan Raja Chulan so I got a surprise to see that he is not anywhere nearer home in Kajang but right down in Shah Alam!

So, I decided to give him a call to enquire if he is going to be back late for lunch.  He did not pick my call and I was directed to his voicemail instead.  After 10 minutes of waiting for him to call me back, I decided to use "Friend Finder"again to see if he is on the way back.  This is the response I received:

"012-xxxxxxx phone is off or out of coverage now.  Please try again later."

As I was wondering what my husband is up to, I heard the front door opened and in came my husband.  The last I saw, my husband was driving his Hyundai and it's super not possible for him to be back from Shah Alam within such a short span of time.  I asked if he has received my call earlier.  He said that he did not.  So I told him to check his phone to see if he has switched it off accidentally.

He was very positive that he did not as he has received a call earlier.  I looked at his call history and did not see a missed call from me either.  So, I tried calling him from my mobile phone again.  His phone did not ring and I was put on his voicemail again.  He tried calling his mobile phone with our house phone and got the same response. 

Curious, he removed his battery and checked his SIM card before placing them back and turned on his phone again.  This time the phone isn't working.  Since he lost his phone recently and had his SIM card replaced, we decided to use my phone to call Maxis at 123 to find out what is wrong with his mobile line and to check if there is a possibility that his SIM card has been cloned.

The Customer service personnel told us that there is nothing wrong with his line.  He was told to switch off his phone and turn it back on to see if the problem is rectified.  He tried that again and got his line back as he could now see the missed call from me.

The explanation the Maxis staff could gave us was that this happens and it has to do with network connection and that the next time we face the same situation, just switch off the phone and then turn it back on.  She could not answer me when I asked why we should be charged for "Friend Finder" service if we are given wrong information.

I did a search on the internet to see if others faced the same problem with this service and came across a user who wanted to test its accuracy as he planned to hide one of his handphones in his car so that he could track it with "Friend Finder" service should it be stolen.  With both mobile phones on hand he sent out the SMS to Maxis from one phone to track location of the other.  He was then in Chow Kit  but the "Friend Finder" response he received indicated "Bukit Jalil" instead. 

Come to think of it, "Friend Finder" service could well help break up relationships should one already be doubtful of one's partner.  That is not friendly. Don't you think so? 

An actual AD in the paper...

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown  Savannah  night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m.  E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
 First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
 I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
 After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
 I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
 I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
 Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
 The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
  ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you .... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
      

Bumper sticker of the Year

From My InBox:

The Pilot and the Priest

From My InBox:

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?'

The guy replies, 'I'm Bruce, retired Delta Airlines pilot from Florida .'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Bruce, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here -- we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached -- people slept. When he flew -- people prayed.

Nurses don't laugh


From My InBox:

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.

It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.  Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said..  "I don't know what came over me.  On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again.  Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.











             












Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Mongolian song, "Mother in the Dream"

Do you know what it feels like to love someone who is no longer around?  Let Uudam, a 12-year-old Mongolian boy, express this feeling in a Mongolian song, "Mother in the Dream", which he sang at "China Got Talent".



Love your parents when they are still around to love and care for you.

For those who do not understand Mandarin, following is a rough translation forwarded by my friend:



This is a Mongolian boy. 
When is his ambition?  To invent a kind of ink that with one drop, it will turn the world into grassland.
When asked what he wants to performed, he said, sing.  
What song?  A dream about mother.
Where's your mum?  She is in heaven. 
What about your father?  He is also in heaven.
Then he sings.
The lady judge said I will represent all the mothers of the world and give you a hug.
The male judge said that when he appears, he is like a prince and everything went silence.
The lady judge asked him to say something to his mother, and he said:  "Mum, I always think of you."

Friday, July 1, 2011

Un peu d'anglais! (Some English!)

From My InBox:

We've all talked to this guy...At Last....A Picture of Him.

[]
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it,
you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words

Yellow,
Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes
green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow
, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Message for Adultrers

I received this email recently...

Thought for the day
A wise man once sat in the audience & cracked a joke.
All laughed like crazy. After a moment he cracked the same joke again and a little less people laughed this time.
He cracked the same joke again & again, when there was no laughter in the crowd, he smiled and said

"When you can't laugh on the same joke again & again, then why do you keep crying over the same thing over and over again.

...and I am inspired to reply to this Wseman because during a talk I did for single mothers, one asked, "Move on? Which direction should I go?"

The idea is for friends to send such message to people they know have been cheating on their spouses so that the adulterers will know how painful it is.  Will that stop infidelity?  I don't know but we can try.


Message for Adultrers:

Dear Wiseman

Forget the past & move on? 
When left high and dry, all by myself
which direction should I start from?
I cry in confusion.

Tears flow down my wrinkles
I cry for lost youth
time for building up a career
but I opt for love...
To start a family.

Struggling to make his way
I was the woman behind him
I cry for my lost in status
my right to stand by his side
to bask in the glory
This should be OUR success
NOT THEIRS
I cry.

I cry for all the lies he said
his gifts of guilty conscience
keeping me in the dark
I cry for trusting too much...

I cry thinking about his infidelity
wondering why friends kept his secrets
why are they helping him?
I cry for knowing too late
It’s now his addiction
the excitement
sex outside marriage!

I cry thinking about our children
I am falling into depression
I can’t be a good mother now
should I leave? 
I cry just wondering…

A broken family?
Wondering about the effects
Will they hate me?
How will they manage?
I cry knowing
they will be hurt the most!
  
I cry all alone
acting the "happy family"
knowing day by day
hurting every minute
as he has his way
with me and the others
knowing I know...

What can I do?
the love is not over
I can only cry
and keep crying
over the same thing
over and over again
Till the feelings gone?
Maybe till I am gone
I will keep crying...
 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The 13th Malaysian general election

Per Wikipedia, the 13th Malaysian general election must be held in 2013 or before 2013.  Malaysians, have you registered to vote?

To check on your voting status, you can call the headquarters of the Election Commission or the State Election Officers at Tel : 03-88856500 or do it online at the following link:

http://daftarj.spr.gov.my/daftarj/daftarbi.aspx

Information you need to provide are:
1) Name
2) Identity Card number

Check to ensure that your personal information and the location you are to go to vote are correct. 

If you have moved and the information has not been updated, all you have to do is to go to a Post Office with computer facilities near you to update your records. The officer in charge at the Post Office will provide you a Form A to fill in. You must register in person with your NRIC as you are required to sign on the form. A copy will be given to you.

You can also register as a first time voter at any Post Office near you. Before you go, you need to call 1-300-300-300 (local) or 603-2727 9100 to confirm that the Post Office nearest you has computer facilities.

For those of you living in Kajang, go to:

JKR 78,     
Jln Hishamuddin, 
43000 Kajang, Selangor
Tel 03-87331018

To find Post Office in other location go to this link:

http://www.pos.com.my/pos/homepage.aspx

Need more information about your voting rights?  Check out Suruhanjaya Pilihan Raya Malaysia (SPR) website.