British Humour.....!!

From My InBox:

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

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Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by

mistake - both are in intensive care...

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

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During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling

tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they

were living up there'.

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Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough

television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5

times a week now.

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I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean,

a ginger haired kid, with two friends?

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I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in

front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was

caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to

be curious about Sex at that age."

"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth

floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Kids speak out on the important issues of the day.

From My InBox:

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the
convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS


On his first day of school, a little boy handed his primary teacher a note from his mother.

The note read: -
'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'



3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the last of the ketchup out of the bottle.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's changing rooms.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at a primary school,
I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform,
she asked, 'Are you a cop?
Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.
'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
'Yes, that's right,' I told her. '
Well, then,' she said as she extended her feet toward me, 'would you please tie my shoes?'

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end my shift, after I had parked my police van in front of the station.
As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
'Is that a dog you got in the back of your van?' he asked.

'It sure is,' I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.

Finally he said, 'What did he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly who are house bound and lived in sheltered accommodation, I quite often used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions.
She merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

I was at my brothers house for the evening to babysit my 7 year old niece.

My neice was watching her mummy get dressed for a formal dinner they were going to.
When she saw her father come into the bedroom to fix his bow tie wearing his dinner suit.
She gasps and said 'Oh! Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?' asked my brother

'Because it always gives you a bad headache in the next morning.'

9) DEATH

While walking along the pavement in front of his church, our vicar heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had got a small boxwhich they had lined with cotton wool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of primary school. On the Friday afternoon as they were walking home
her mother said to her, "Did you enjoy your first week"
Thinking for a moment the little girl replied "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. '
Taken back her mother asked her why she thought that?
To which she replied "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible.
He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT.

children say what is on their mind

From My InBox:

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mum breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: 'Mum why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?'


MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was
so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your knickers. Mine say five to
six.'


STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mum good night. 'I love you so much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mum
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's
me?'

ANNA (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't
give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DANIEL (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I
cost?'

MARK (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
Dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

WILLIAM (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mum asked
what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His Dad read: 'The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What
happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mum knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mum will never forget.... this particular Sunday
sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward
heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. Without you, we are
but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment her daughter,
who was listening carefully, leaned over to her and asked quite audibly
in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mummy, what's butt
dust?'

C o n f e s s i o N

From My InBox:

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet , not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says , "Dark in here."
The man says , "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No , thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK , how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks , it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy , "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves , let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks , "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says , "$500"

The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... That is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says , "Dark in here."
The priest says , "Don't start that shit again , you're in my closet now.

Baby planes!

From My InBox:

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,

"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,

why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "yes she did".

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.

Have your mother explain that to you."

More teachers and kids jokes.

I posted kids are quick before and I see some of the jokes resurfacing here.

TEACHER : Why are you late?
BALGOBIN : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
BALGOBIN : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."


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TEACHER : Balgobin, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
BALGOBIN : You told me to do it without using tables!


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TEACHER : Balgobin, how do you spell "crocodile"?
BALGOBIN : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
BALGOBIN : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!


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TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
BALGOBIN : "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
BALGOBIN : Yesterday you said it's H to O!


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TEACHER : Balgobin, go to the map and find North America .
BALGOBIN : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America ?
CLASS : Balgobin!


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TEACHER : Balgobin, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
BALGOBIN : Me!


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TEACHER : Balgobin, why do you always get so dirty?
BALGOBIN : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.


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BALGOBIN : Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER : I think so. What do you want me to write?
BALGOBIN : Your name on this report card.


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TEACHER : How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
BALGOBIN : Don't bite any.


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TEACHER : Balgobin, give me a sentence starting with "I".
BALGOBIN : I is...
TEACHER : No, Balgobin. Always say, "I am."
BALGOBIN : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


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TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
BALGOBIN : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day,
same time."


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TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's
Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why
his father
didn't punish him?"
BALGOBIN : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"


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BALGOBIN : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt ?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
BALGOBIN : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?


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TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing,
one is green and one is blue with red spots!
BALGOBIN : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like
that at home.


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TEACHER : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped
him, what virtue would I be showing?
BALGOBIN : Brotherly love?


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TEACHER : Now, Balgobin, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
eating?
BALGOBIN : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.


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TEACHER : Balgobin, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
BALGOBIN : No, teacher, it's the same dog!


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TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?
BALGOBIN : A teacher

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... ;'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Why man shouldn't babysit

From my mailbox. This is funny but does not apply to every man. I have no qualms leaving my kids in my husband's care. I don't like doing that though because I am a "let's stick together" kind of wife.

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Children's Proverbs

Children's Proverbs Part 1

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here's what the kids came up with:

People in glass houses shouldn't . . . run around naked.

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the . . . bug is close.

It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.

You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?

Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.

No news is . . . impossible.

Children's Proverbs Part 2

A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.

You can't teach an old dog . . . math.

If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust . . . me.

The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.

An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution.

Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.

A penny saved is . . . not much.

just for laughs........

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
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Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
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Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
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Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
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A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were Watching TV in the living room.
Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, Then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.

Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
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Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
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Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
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Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
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Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
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Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
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A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful'And 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is A sick eagle."
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Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
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A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level"