Something to think about...

Something to think about and wonder if it should be funny.

From My InBox:


99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like women.

My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer

The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.

I work to buy a car to go to work - strange!

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Never laugh at your girlfriends choices... your one of them.

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

and finally (In memory of the two Ronnies) to all married fella's...............

Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.

=================================================
If revenge is what you have in mind get this book from Amazon.

Slut vs Real Man

From My InBox:

Wives don't find this funny

From My InBox:

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – "Which book has helped you most in your life?" The woman replied – "My husband's cheque book !!" A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called, 'Husband – the Master of the House'? Sales Girl : "Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!". Someone asked an old man : "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What's the secret ? Old man : I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her. Wife : I wish I was a newspaper. So I'd be in your hands all day. Husband : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day ! Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says : Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can't take it and asks her husband – since last one week, you are saying this "Today is a fine day'. I am fed up. What's the matter? Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, "I will leave you one fine day." I was just trying to remind you……"

Jokes to upset your wife

From My InBox:

All husbands can enjoy 

Wife : Shall I prepare Sambar or Rasam today . Husband : First make it, we will name it later 

A frustrated husband in front of his laptop:
dear google, please do not behave like my wife...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting


A married man's prayer;
Dear God, u gave me childhood, u took it away
U gave me youth, u took it away.
U gave me a wife.......... Its been years now,
just reminding u......


A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home for?"

Husband answers "Because he's thinking of getting married"



Husband: I found Aladdin's lamp today.

Wife: wow, what did u ask for darling??

Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times..

Wife: oh..Jaan..luv u so much.. Did he do that??

Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.
 

 Employee: Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home??

Boss: I am a lion at home too, But Goddess Durga sits on the lion there !


 A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."

Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.

Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook.


Best Slogan on a
MAN's T-Shirt :

"Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am Married and already very Disturbed"

The Free GPS

From My InBox:

The Free GPS

I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially on how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five".

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brakes
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

Jokes on Women

From My InBox:

-------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' ----------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' -----------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care. -----------------------------------

and finally …

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well.......she's there.'

Married Life !!...heheheh

From My InBox:

* They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true. As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.

* Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.

* Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

* Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.

* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

* Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

* Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

* Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

See what great guys have to say about this!‏

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!!!!!

Women Drivers

Been there done that? I have.

========================================================
From My InBox:

First Woman on the Moon

From My InBox:

Nine Words Of the Female Language

The List Of Nine Words Of the Female Language That Men Need To Learn If They Wish To Survive.

Women have their own language. Men need to learn at least a part of this Foreign Tongue for survival. Every man alive on this planet should print the following list, memorize it, and keep it on their person at all times.

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before doing some chore around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it, or you will pay.

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" ... that will bring on a "whatever").

8. Whatever: Is a women's non-profane way of saying @#!&% YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Send this link to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.


Send this link to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it's true.

Never Annoy a Woman--anywhere, anytime!!

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelt "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" , she replied.

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . there will be Hell to pay!

NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the supposed lung-disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters).

Mother-in-law tales

I, like a lot of other people see my mother-in-Law as little as possible. I find that she's always moaning. An example would be the time I gave her a lift to the shops and all I could hear was moan moan, moan. And she was still moaning when I let her out of the boot.

when mine makes soup, pygmies come from miles around to dip their arrows in it.

I am not saying mine talks a lot but when we all go on holiday she has to put sun block on her tongue.

I was telling a mate in the pub that my mother-in-law was an angel. He told me I was lucky, his was still alive.

Took the dog to the vet to get his tail cut off. He asked me why a lurcher needed his tail cut off. Told him the mother-in-law was visiting and I didn't want anything to make her feel welcome.

They buried my mates mother-in-law last week so I went along as support. I asked the gravedigger why the hole was 18ft instead of 6ft. He told me that deep down mothers-in-law were very nice people.

I have the perfect MIL. She's dead. Took a while to happen but it was worth the wait.

Gave my mother in law a chair for christmas, she still won't plug it in....

I was out shopping the other day when I saw six women beating my MIL up. As I stood there and watched, her neighbor, who knew me, said, "Well, aren't you going to help?" I replied, "No. Six of them is enough".

My MIL asked me, "If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the mantelpiece?" I told her, "So as to keep the kids away from the fire."

I wouldn't say my MIL is fat, but no matter where you sit in a room, she's sitting next to you.

One's MIL is coming down next week for Easter. Lucyfer doesn't yet realise just how far I can actually walk in one weekend.

My MIL asked "Why don't you grow a moustache?" I replied "why would I want to look like you...".

"That MIL was so fat, she had to be got off the beach to let the tide in.".

MIL was on phone to wife and she asked me "how would you like to talk to Mum?" She hit me when I said "preferably through a medium".

I just came back from a pleasure trip.i brought my mil to the airport.

What should I do to marry a rich guy?

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden (?), $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've
met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty


Awesome reply:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here. From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same
goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me?

signed,
J.P. Morgan

Mother-in-Law hates you? Be consoled.

Maybe this wedding invitation will show you that your mom-in-law is not that bad after all.

The Fun in Relationship?

Wife: What are you doing?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing ...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an
hour!
Husband : I was looking for the expiry date.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure! What are my choices ?
Wife : Yes and no.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why ?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture, and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you ?
Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself ---
what other problem can be greater than this one ?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet !
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning,
he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife
" Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune ? "
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly,
" I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE ! "
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the early warning.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband:
What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
I like your sense of humor.

The Guys' Rule

Finally, the guys' side of the story. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's down, put it up. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color . Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as soccer, diamond formation, or basketball.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger LAUGH

The three wishes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog told her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get it ten times!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!"

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!

Male readers: Please scroll down.


























The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart!
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!





PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!






Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour!