From My InBox:
Yesterday I went to buy joss sticks and joss paper to pray for my ancestors.
The towkay asked me if I want to buy paper iphone to burn for my ancestors. I said they know how to use or not? He said Steve Jobs already there, can teach them to use. I said ok loh.
He asked want to buy casing? I also said ok.
Next he asked me if I wanted Bluetooth? I said might as well loh.
What about charger? I said need charger meh? He said of course lah, after battery no power how? So I bought the charger also.
Then I asked for his name card. He said why you need my name card?
I said I burn for my ancestors. For warranty claim, they will contact you direct.
Showing posts with label Joke on Belief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joke on Belief. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
The Company Christmas Party
What's the big deal about setting up a Company Christmas Party?
From The Laughter Club:
Company memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols Feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name.
I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men - each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2012
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I’ve had it with you vegetarian jerks!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the hospital.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Whatever!
Joan
From The Laughter Club:
Company memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols Feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name.
I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men - each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2012
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I’ve had it with you vegetarian jerks!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the hospital.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Whatever!
Joan
Friday, October 19, 2012
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
From My InBox:
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honour thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Three Holy Men and a Bear
From the Laughter Club
Three Holy Men and a Bear
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper
Peninsula of Michigan .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
God , he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you
KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And
then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him
and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as
a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in
a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not
have been the best way to start.
Three Holy Men and a Bear
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper
Peninsula of Michigan .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
God , he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you
KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And
then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him
and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as
a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in
a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not
have been the best way to start.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
What causes arthritis?
From My InBox:
A drunken man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father,what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
MORAL:Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
A drunken man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father,what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
MORAL:Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
Friday, July 22, 2011
The Pilot and the Priest
From My InBox:
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?'
The guy replies, 'I'm Bruce, retired Delta Airlines pilot from Florida .'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Bruce, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here -- we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached -- people slept. When he flew -- people prayed.
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?'
The guy replies, 'I'm Bruce, retired Delta Airlines pilot from Florida .'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Bruce, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here -- we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached -- people slept. When he flew -- people prayed.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Beautiful conversation……
From My InBox:
Man: God?
God: Yes?
Man: Can I ask you something?
God: Of course!
Man: What is for you a million of years?
God: A second.
Man: And a million dollars?
God: A penny.
Man: God, Can you give me a penny?
God: Wait a second.
Man: God?
God: Yes?
Man: Can I ask you something?
God: Of course!
Man: What is for you a million of years?
God: A second.
Man: And a million dollars?
God: A penny.
Man: God, Can you give me a penny?
God: Wait a second.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Monastery Life
From My InBox:
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot..
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, 'We missed theR! We missed theR! We missed theR!' His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...
'CELEBRATE !
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot..
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, 'We missed theR! We missed theR! We missed theR!' His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...
'CELEBRATE !
Thursday, March 19, 2009
BAPTIZING A DRUNK
Baptizing A Drunk
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?
Sunday, March 1, 2009
AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
Be wary of what you pray for.
=============================================================================
From My InBox:
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river,he
heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot
grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on
him..
He looked over his shoulder again, & the
bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but
saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his
left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a
voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these
years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic
accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this
predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the
light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me
as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the
forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws
together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about
to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
=============================================================================
From My InBox:
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river,he
heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot
grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on
him..
He looked over his shoulder again, & the
bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but
saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his
left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a
voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these
years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic
accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this
predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the
light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me
as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the
forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws
together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about
to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
Saturday, February 14, 2009
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
From My InBox:
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." Said the cabbie
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driv er starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." Said the cabbie
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driv er starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Acts 2:38!
From My InBox:
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the
act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins
may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why
did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to
you.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'
Send this to someone who needs a laugh today and remember: Knowing
scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the
act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins
may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why
did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to
you.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'
Send this to someone who needs a laugh today and remember: Knowing
scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!
Monday, February 2, 2009
The Ten Commandments
From My InBox:
*James had never been to the church all his life. But he showed up one
Sunday. *
* *
**
* *
* *
*After Mass, the priest caught him and said "James, I am so glad you
decided
to come to Mass, what made you come?"*
*
James said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I
misplaced
my hat and I really, really love that hat.*
*
*
*
I know that Shaun had one just like mine and I knew that Shaun came to
church every Sunday.
*
**
* *
*I know Shaun has to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would
leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after
Communion
and steal Shaun's hat."*
**
*The priest said, "But I notice that you don't have Shaun's hat with
you. "*
* *
**
* *
*James said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I
changed my mind."
*
*
The priest gave James a big smile and said*
* "After I talked about '**Thou shalt not steal',** you decided you
would
rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"
*
**
*
James shook his head and said*
*"No, Father, after you talked about '**Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery**' *
* *
*I remembered where I left my hat."
*
*James had never been to the church all his life. But he showed up one
Sunday. *
* *
**
* *
* *
*After Mass, the priest caught him and said "James, I am so glad you
decided
to come to Mass, what made you come?"*
*
James said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I
misplaced
my hat and I really, really love that hat.*
*
*
*
I know that Shaun had one just like mine and I knew that Shaun came to
church every Sunday.
*
**
* *
*I know Shaun has to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would
leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after
Communion
and steal Shaun's hat."*
**
*The priest said, "But I notice that you don't have Shaun's hat with
you. "*
* *
**
* *
*James said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I
changed my mind."
*
*
The priest gave James a big smile and said*
* "After I talked about '**Thou shalt not steal',** you decided you
would
rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"
*
**
*
James shook his head and said*
*"No, Father, after you talked about '**Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery**' *
* *
*I remembered where I left my hat."
*
Direct line to heaven
From My InBox:
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. He thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was Atlanta. There, in a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. 'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then traveled all across America , Europe, England , Japan , and New Zealand . In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same 'US$10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived at the Gold Coast, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 cents per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call'.
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. He thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was Atlanta. There, in a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. 'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then traveled all across America , Europe, England , Japan , and New Zealand . In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same 'US$10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived at the Gold Coast, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 cents per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call'.
Friday, November 14, 2008
......and God created Dog!
From My InBox:
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Confession: Bless me father for I have sinned.
> An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of
> Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
>
> When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
> 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
> neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
> the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
>
> The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
> need to confess that.'
>
> 'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual
> favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
> Sundays.'
>
> The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what
> you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people
> under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
> However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
> forgiven.'
>
> 'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
> I do have one more question.'
>
> 'And what is that?' asked the priest.
>
>
> 'Should I tell her the war is over?''
> Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
>
> When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
> 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
> neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
> the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
>
> The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
> need to confess that.'
>
> 'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual
> favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
> Sundays.'
>
> The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what
> you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people
> under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
> However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
> forgiven.'
>
> 'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
> I do have one more question.'
>
> 'And what is that?' asked the priest.
>
>
> 'Should I tell her the war is over?''
Friday, September 12, 2008
God's gift
My InBox:
>A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
> congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
> passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his
> paycheck.
>
>
> After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
> congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the
> preacher's expanding salary. There was much discussion on how much the
> congregation was to pay because of the pastor's expanding family.
>
>
> After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from
> his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take
> as many gifts as He gives us.'
>
> Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady
> struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a
> gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
>
> The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
>A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
> congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
> passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his
> paycheck.
>
>
> After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
> congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the
> preacher's expanding salary. There was much discussion on how much the
> congregation was to pay because of the pastor's expanding family.
>
>
> After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from
> his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take
> as many gifts as He gives us.'
>
> Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady
> struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a
> gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
>
> The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
God's Creation - Revised Version
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the
Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli,
cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would
live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben
and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And
Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long
as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained
10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman
might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And
Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat,
and sugar from the cane and combined them. And
Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan
presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery
croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and
Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy
vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And
Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter. And Man gained more weight and his
cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named
it "Angel Food C ake," and said, "It is good."
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
"Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His
children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan
gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would
not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and
Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue
light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low
in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled
off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fried them. And
Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume
fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And
Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with
that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And
Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into
cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
If you don't send this to five old friends right
away there will be five fewer people laughing in
the world.
Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli,
cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would
live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben
and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And
Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long
as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained
10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman
might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And
Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat,
and sugar from the cane and combined them. And
Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan
presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery
croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and
Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy
vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And
Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter. And Man gained more weight and his
cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named
it "Angel Food C ake," and said, "It is good."
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
"Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His
children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan
gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would
not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and
Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue
light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low
in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled
off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fried them. And
Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume
fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And
Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with
that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And
Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into
cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
If you don't send this to five old friends right
away there will be five fewer people laughing in
the world.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
"God will save me!"
A flood takes over the valley and a man is forced to climb up his house, onto the roof. As the waters rise, a neighbour in a rowing boat appears and tells him to get in.
"No," replies the man on the roof. "God will save me!"
Then a firefighter stops by in a speedboat. "Climb in!" shouts the firefighter.
"No," replies the man on the roof. "God will save me!"
A helicopter flies by next, and the pilot shouts that he's about to lower a rope for the man to be rescued.
"No," replied the man on the roof. "God will save me!"
Eventually the man drowns and goes to Heaven, where he asks God why He hadn't helped him.
"I sent a neighbour, a firefighter, and helicopter," replies God. "What more do you want?"
"No," replies the man on the roof. "God will save me!"
Then a firefighter stops by in a speedboat. "Climb in!" shouts the firefighter.
"No," replies the man on the roof. "God will save me!"
A helicopter flies by next, and the pilot shouts that he's about to lower a rope for the man to be rescued.
"No," replied the man on the roof. "God will save me!"
Eventually the man drowns and goes to Heaven, where he asks God why He hadn't helped him.
"I sent a neighbour, a firefighter, and helicopter," replies God. "What more do you want?"
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