I would love to get to know this writer with such a great sense of humour. Could it be Thorny who wrote it for Virtual Planet on July 5th, 2005?
===============================================================================
My InBox:
In this life, I’m a woman. In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear. When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
When you’re a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definately deal with that.
If you’re mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup, gonna be a bear!
Showing posts with label Funny but ture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny but ture. Show all posts
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
IT'S REALITY........
From My InBox:
Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
_____
To Err is human, but to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
_____
The road to success??.. Is always under construction.
_____
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
_____
In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you have ability to repay back.
_____
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
_____
Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
_____
Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.
_____
If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
_____
You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
_____
Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
_____
42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot.
_____
As soon as you mention something?? If it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.
_____
He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.
_____
If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? The bus is still late.
_____
Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
_____
When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
_____
If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls.
_____
Especially for engg. Students : If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
_____
You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
_____
The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
_____
After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.
_____
If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
_____
Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker
_____
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more.
_____
There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.
_____
An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
_____
Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
_____
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
_____
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
_____
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
_____
Well done is better than well said .
_____
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.
_____
Where there is a WILL, there is a WAY, Where there is MONEY, there are many WAYS.
_____
Where there is MONEY, there are many FRIENDS and RELATIVES.
_____
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
_____
Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
_____
To Err is human, but to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
_____
The road to success??.. Is always under construction.
_____
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
_____
In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you have ability to repay back.
_____
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
_____
Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
_____
Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.
_____
If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
_____
You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
_____
Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
_____
42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot.
_____
As soon as you mention something?? If it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.
_____
He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.
_____
If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? The bus is still late.
_____
Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
_____
When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
_____
If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls.
_____
Especially for engg. Students : If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
_____
You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
_____
The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
_____
After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.
_____
If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
_____
Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker
_____
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more.
_____
There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.
_____
An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
_____
Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
_____
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
_____
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
_____
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
_____
Well done is better than well said .
_____
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.
_____
Where there is a WILL, there is a WAY, Where there is MONEY, there are many WAYS.
_____
Where there is MONEY, there are many FRIENDS and RELATIVES.
_____
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
_____
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Scotch with 2 drops of water
Scotch with two drops of water.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra less
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra less
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Male or Female?
From My InBox:
You might not have known this, but a lot of non -living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
You might not have known this, but a lot of non -living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Enjoy while you can.......
From My InBox:
Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter,
And winter seems much colder.
I rack my brain for happy thoughts
To put down on my pad.
But lots of things that come to mind
Just make me kind of sad.
There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About "Living in the Past".
We used to go to friends' homes,
Football games and lunches..
Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.
We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel
To places near and far.
Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.
We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall.
But, now we never bother...
All the sizes are too small.
That, my friend is how life is.
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too darn old!!
So enjoy it while you can...
Live, Laugh and Love!
Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter,
And winter seems much colder.
I rack my brain for happy thoughts
To put down on my pad.
But lots of things that come to mind
Just make me kind of sad.
There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About "Living in the Past".
We used to go to friends' homes,
Football games and lunches..
Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.
We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel
To places near and far.
Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.
We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall.
But, now we never bother...
All the sizes are too small.
That, my friend is how life is.
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too darn old!!
So enjoy it while you can...
Live, Laugh and Love!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Words Of Wisdom
From My InBox:
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3
. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger
person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember...if the world
didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound.
That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.
It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3
. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger
person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember...if the world
didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound.
That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.
It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Subprime crisis explanation by The Long Johns
The views of John Bird and John Fortune on turbulence in the financial markets.
To view more of such funny takes on the current financial crisis, go to YouTube.
Now for those who want to understand why we are in this economic situation seriously, take a look at Stefano Diana has to say about it.
To view more of such funny takes on the current financial crisis, go to YouTube.
Now for those who want to understand why we are in this economic situation seriously, take a look at Stefano Diana has to say about it.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Current Financial Crisis - Nice Quote
From My InBox
"What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my
Cheques is returned stamped "insufficient funds", I won't know whether
That refers to mine ............ ..or the bank's!"????
"What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my
Cheques is returned stamped "insufficient funds", I won't know whether
That refers to mine ............ ..or the bank's!"????
What's good for your diet?
From My InBox:
Can't eat Beef ......
Mad cow disease
Can't eat chicken ....
Bird flu
Can't eat eggs ...
Salmonella
Can't eat pork...
fears of trichinosis...
Can't eat fish ...
heavy metals in the waters poisoned their meat
Can't eat fruits and veggies .....
insecticides and herbicides
Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
I believe that this only leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!
Remember -
'STRESSED'
spelled backwards is...
'DESSERTS'
(so eat lots of desserts to relieve stress!!)
Now... send this to four people
and you will lose 2 kgs :-)
(If you delete this message, you will gain
10 kgs immediately!!)
'That's why I had to pass this on -
I didn't want to risk it!
Enjoy your new diet!!
Can't eat Beef ......
Mad cow disease
Can't eat chicken ....
Bird flu
Can't eat eggs ...
Salmonella
Can't eat pork...
fears of trichinosis...
Can't eat fish ...
heavy metals in the waters poisoned their meat
Can't eat fruits and veggies .....
insecticides and herbicides
Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
I believe that this only leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!
Remember -
'STRESSED'
spelled backwards is...
'DESSERTS'
(so eat lots of desserts to relieve stress!!)
Now... send this to four people
and you will lose 2 kgs :-)
(If you delete this message, you will gain
10 kgs immediately!!)
'That's why I had to pass this on -
I didn't want to risk it!
Enjoy your new diet!!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60
From My InBox:
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you up?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to every one you can remember right now!
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you up?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to every one you can remember right now!
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!
Monday, October 27, 2008
At the zoo, remember...
At the zoo, remember that...
If you are worried the kids will not heed your kindly advise, go get them this tee.
If you are worried the kids will not heed your kindly advise, go get them this tee.
Friday, September 26, 2008
East vs West
I received this presentation in my mailbox, I did a search and discovered that the creator is Thanh Huynh Kauhajoki who posted it on SlideShare. She created it with icons designed by Liu Young.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
Play at answering some of these questions yourself.
Here are mine:
Can you cry under water?
Yes, I have tried that. You still come out with puffy eyes and red nose.
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
You need corners to put your fingers in to take it out.
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
If he can fix it, he will no longer be stuck on Gilligan's Island = end of show.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Just in case it is not lethal enough and you do not want him to sue for getting aids.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
It's the hormone thing?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
What do you expect of him when he can't figure out that he has been wearing his undies outside his pants.
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
It's their karma?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Because we live in a society where we only do that to family members.
Here is one that always haunt me! Why is it that I always take time to do this kind of things?
==================================================================================
From My InBox:
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And m y FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place ?
~~~Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too!~~~
****A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!****
Here are mine:
Can you cry under water?
Yes, I have tried that. You still come out with puffy eyes and red nose.
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
You need corners to put your fingers in to take it out.
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
If he can fix it, he will no longer be stuck on Gilligan's Island = end of show.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Just in case it is not lethal enough and you do not want him to sue for getting aids.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
It's the hormone thing?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
What do you expect of him when he can't figure out that he has been wearing his undies outside his pants.
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
It's their karma?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Because we live in a society where we only do that to family members.
Here is one that always haunt me! Why is it that I always take time to do this kind of things?
==================================================================================
From My InBox:
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And m y FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place ?
~~~Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too!~~~
****A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!****
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
The Perfect Guy
Love this presentation by Kingtoma. Are these values you seek in your men too?
Are you the one sitting at the table?
Are you the one sitting at the table?
Friday, September 12, 2008
Two woodpeckers
From My InBox:
A Warwickshire woodpecker and a Norfolk woodpecker were arguing about which county had the toughest trees.
The Warwickshire woodpecker said that Warwickshire had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Norfolk woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Warwickshire woodpecker was amazed. The Norfolk woodpecker then challenged the Warwickshire woodpecker to peck a tree in Norfolk that was absolutely impeckable (a term woodpeckers like to use).
The Warwickshire woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge. So the two flew to Norfolk where the Warwickshire woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called impeckable tree with no problem. Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that the Norfolk woodpecker was able to peck the Warwickshire tree and the Warwickshire woodpecker was able to peck the Norfolk tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own county? Huh ?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home!
A Warwickshire woodpecker and a Norfolk woodpecker were arguing about which county had the toughest trees.
The Warwickshire woodpecker said that Warwickshire had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Norfolk woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Warwickshire woodpecker was amazed. The Norfolk woodpecker then challenged the Warwickshire woodpecker to peck a tree in Norfolk that was absolutely impeckable (a term woodpeckers like to use).
The Warwickshire woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge. So the two flew to Norfolk where the Warwickshire woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called impeckable tree with no problem. Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that the Norfolk woodpecker was able to peck the Warwickshire tree and the Warwickshire woodpecker was able to peck the Norfolk tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own county? Huh ?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
R FOR RUMAH, A FOR AYAM, ETC
From My InBox:
This is a true story (but don't ask for verification):
This is a true story (but don't ask for verification):
A taxpayer called up the LHDN (Inland Revenue Board) in Terengganu, and
asked for Form B. The LHDN clerk who answered the call asked for the
address to send the form to. The conversation goes:
LHDN CLERK : 'Boleh bagi alamat encik?' (Can you give me your address?)
TAXPAYER : 'Hantar ke Ranhill Worley.' (Send to Ranhill Worley)
LHDN CLERK : 'Ranhill... eja macam mana?' (err... How to spell
Ranhill?)
TAXPAYER : 'R.. for Rumah... A for Ayam (Chicken).. N for
Nangka (Jackfruit)...
H for Holland (country) ... I for itik
(Duck)... L for lain- lain(Others)....'
LHDN CLERK : 'Ok.. nanti kami hantar ke alamat tu' (OK, we will
send to that address..)
After waiting for a week, the form arrived - have a look at the
address on the envelope!!! (attached).
Have a superr-duper day.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Gentle thoughts for today
It is great to have people around to think for us things that we have never thought of to think about.
=================================================================================
From My InBox:
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the
right thing at the right time, but also to leave
unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat have gotten
to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the
house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty
(40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't
met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have
someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he
can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time
to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking
how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The"
and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra
You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your
hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
=================================================================================
From My InBox:
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the
right thing at the right time, but also to leave
unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat have gotten
to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the
house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty
(40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't
met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have
someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he
can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time
to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking
how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The"
and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra
You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your
hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Surprise Endings
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds
1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with
you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than Pregnant
1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with
you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than Pregnant
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Guess what this is!
This building is located in Austria and not the UK as indicated in the email received. Hoax-Slayer has the story.
=================================================================================
It's a new Prison in UK !
Prison vs Work
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
@ PRISON
You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
@ WORK
you spend the majority of your time
In an 6X6 cubicle /office
@ PRISON
You get three meals a day fully paid for
@ WORK
you get a break for one meal and
You have to pay for it
@ PRISON
You get time off for good behavior
@ WORK
you get more work for good behavior
@ PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
@ WORK
You must often carry a security card
And open all the doors for yourself
@ PRISON
You can watch TV and play games
@ WORK
you could get fired for watching
TV and playing games
@ WORK
you have to share the toilet with
Some people who pee on the seat
@ PRISON
You get your own toilet
@ PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit
@ WORK
you aren't even supposed to speak
To your family
@ PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
@ WORK
you get to pay all your expenses to go
To work, and they deduct taxes from
Your salary to pay for prisoners
@ PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
@ WORK
you spend most of your time wanting
To get out and go inside bars
@ PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens
@ WORK
They are called managers
=================================================================================
It's a new Prison in UK !
Prison vs Work
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
@ PRISON
You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
@ WORK
you spend the majority of your time
In an 6X6 cubicle /office
@ PRISON
You get three meals a day fully paid for
@ WORK
you get a break for one meal and
You have to pay for it
@ PRISON
You get time off for good behavior
@ WORK
you get more work for good behavior
@ PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
@ WORK
You must often carry a security card
And open all the doors for yourself
@ PRISON
You can watch TV and play games
@ WORK
you could get fired for watching
TV and playing games
@ WORK
you have to share the toilet with
Some people who pee on the seat
@ PRISON
You get your own toilet
@ PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit
@ WORK
you aren't even supposed to speak
To your family
@ PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
@ WORK
you get to pay all your expenses to go
To work, and they deduct taxes from
Your salary to pay for prisoners
@ PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
@ WORK
you spend most of your time wanting
To get out and go inside bars
@ PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens
@ WORK
They are called managers
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Words of wisdom to ponder upon...
1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the damn battery from the clock and enjoy life!
2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u are a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u are a vegetarian. Think about it.
3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside. .. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!
4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world! That's called Attitude! Keep on rocking!
5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!
6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank and had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim. They said, 'He who never lived, cannot die!'
7. A man threw his wife into a pond of crocodiles. He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the crocodiles!
8. So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, the slow way.
9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!
10. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u are a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u are a vegetarian. Think about it.
3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside. .. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!
4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world! That's called Attitude! Keep on rocking!
5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!
6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank and had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim. They said, 'He who never lived, cannot die!'
7. A man threw his wife into a pond of crocodiles. He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the crocodiles!
8. So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, the slow way.
9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!
10. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
