Irish Humor

From My InBox:

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the  envelope "DO NOT BEND ". Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it   up.   ------------   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------   -- Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts  Paddy, "this is her husband!" ------------   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------   --- An old  Irish  farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says  "Why don't you put an advert in the  paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put  in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: "They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.  She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says  'This is for the flowers!'   'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'