The meaning of improvise...

The meaning of improvise is clearly seen here.  So, kids, go make your own IPad.

Lesson in Logic

From My InBox:

Church Ladies With Typewriters

Church Ladies With typewriters . . .

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' 
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. 
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.. 
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. 
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.. 
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. 
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done. 
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. 
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

From The Laughter Club:

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.' The room erupted in applause DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS View Post on Facebook   · Edit Email Settings   · Reply to this email to add a comment.

WARNING FROM POLICE

From My InBox:

WARNING FROM POLICE - not a joke

 

Reverse into public parking bays and drive straight out, it's safer.…
 
START TO GET INTO THE HABIT OF "REVERSE PARKING"
READ THIS MESSAGE AND UNDERSTAND WHY YOU MUST GET INTO THE HABIT OF REVERSE PARKING

Warning!!!!

Just last weekend on Friday night we parked in a public car park. As we drove away I noticed a sticker on the rear window of the car. When I took it off after I got home, it was a receipt for petrol. Luckily my friend told me not to stop as it could be someone waiting for me to get out of the car. Then we received this email yesterday.

WARNING FROM POLICE

THIS APPLIES TO BOTH WOMEN AND MEN

BEWARE OF PAPER ON THE BACK WINDOW OF YOUR VEHICLE - NEW WAY TO DO CARJACKINGS (NOT A JOKE)'

Heads up everyone! Please, keep this circulating.... You walk across the car park, unlock your car and get inside. You start the engine and put it into reverse.

When you look into the rear view mirror to back out of your space, you notice a piece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window. So, you put the handbrake on, leave the engine running and step out of your car to remove that paper (or whatever it is) that is obstructing your view.

When you reach the back of your car, the carjackers appear out of nowhere, jump into the driving seat and take off, practically running you over as they speed away.

And guess what, ladies? I bet your purse is still in the car. And now the carjacker has your car, your home address, your money, credit cards and your keys. Your home and your whole identity are now compromised!

BEWARE OF THIS NEW SCHEME THAT IS NOW BEING USED.

If you see a piece of paper stuck to your back window, lock your doors and just drive away.
Remove the paper later. And be thankful that you read this e-mail. I hope you will forward this to friends and family, especially to women.

A purse contains all kinds of personal information and identification documents, and you certainly do NOT want this to fall into the wrong hands.

Please tell all your friends

 

What Is Butt Dust??

From My InBox: What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?' MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more.. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.' STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.' BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?' SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough..' DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?' CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?' MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?' TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?' JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt..' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?' The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust....' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?' Make sure you pass this one on and spread the smiles...

The most procreative week?

It is possible that this is going to be the most procreative week. Why? See for yourself.

From My InBox: