Church Ladies With Typewriters

Church Ladies With typewriters . . .

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' 
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. 
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.. 
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. 
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.. 
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. 
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done. 
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. 
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'