Irish Humor

From My InBox:

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the  envelope "DO NOT BEND ". Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it   up.   ------------   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------   -- Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts  Paddy, "this is her husband!" ------------   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------   --- An old  Irish  farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says  "Why don't you put an advert in the  paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put  in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: "They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.  She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says  'This is for the flowers!'   'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

Asking for attention and not getting it?

Asking for attention and not getting it?  Understand what you are doing wrong so that you can stop doing just that!

The size of the balls vs Your status

From My InBox:

INTERESTING OBSERVATION ........

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is SOCCER.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BASKETBALL.

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is RUGBY.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure,

the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people

in the Government playing.....

Marbles !!!!

Class retirement speech by P. P. Ramachandran

From My InBox:

Class retirement speech

Speech by P. P. Ramachandran, Post graduate in Economics from the Bombay University. After serving in the Reserve Bank for forty long years, retired at the age of 60 - a speech given at a Senior Citizen's Association in Bombay, India.

 

LIVING HAPPILY AFTER RETIREMENT

Thank you Senior Citizen's Association for having invited me and giving me an opportunity to be with all of you this evening. Now, I will share with you some of my personal beliefs on the subject allotted to me, “Living Happily After Retirement”. Retirement is a problem peculiar to our generation. In the times of our fathers and grandfathers, retirement was not much of a problem.

There are three reasons for this.

First, Life Expectancy.

Fifty years ago, the life expectancy at the age of retirement was fixed at 55 or at most 60. A study of Government records revealed that very few people enjoyed pension for more than five years at that time. Most people died before sixty and consequently spending five years after retirement did not pose any major problem.

Today Life Expectancy after retirement at 58 or 60 - is 75 years which means half of your working life is still left after retirement. To give you an example two Senior Officers of Reserve Bank of India (RBI) died at 93 years—35 years after retirement.

The second reason is the change in the family structure.

Half a century ago, most people were in a joint extended family. The day you laid down office, you still had a large family around you. Surely, in a large family there was always something you could do that was meaningful and made you feel you were contributing to the family. Today the family has become nuclear—husband, wife, children. By the time one retires, the children have gone away. In good old times, daughters used to get married and promptly go away. Nowadays sons get married and very often shift out to stay with their wife from the first night itself! What is left is the old couple— You for Me and Me for you. This is not particularly easy to accept and adjust to after retirement.

                                                                                        

The third reason is the problem of “Roots.”

In the old days, people used to have a “native place” and an “ancestral home”. They looked forward to going there and settling down after retirement. Today, there is nothing left in terms of native place. People often are confused as to where to settle.

These three problems make retirement planning a crucial item. If you have planned for retirement you can anticipate and tackle these problems. People are not accustomed to the idea of staying by themselves. If one asks an audience of prospective retirees and their wives,  “How many of you expect to stay after retirement with your children, hardly one hand goes up. If some husband raises his hand, his wife immediately slaps it down saying, “I’ll be damned if I am going to stay with my daughter-in-law!” So it is a tough problem to think about old people staying—just the two of them. This makes planning all the more significant.

The most difficult problem that we face after retirement is the psychological one.

When an executive retires, he is at the peak of his career—his status, prestige and financial status. The moment he lays down his job, all these desert him. He discovers that “Everything becomes Less and Less”. The first thing he notices is the way his status and prestige are affected. Even at home, the retired person is no longer the important person. If he demands of his wife an early breakfast, she will promptly admonish him, “You are retired now. So take it easy. Let those employed go first!” He is no longer “Numero Uno”. A friend of mine who was a Senior Executive in RBI was getting 500 greeting cards and diaries/calenders for the New Year. After one year of retirement it dwindled to fifty and this year he got ten. Greeting cards, calenders and diaries are surely an indicator of the respect you received when you are employed.

The most immediate problem on retirement is time-management.

We all have twenty four hours at our disposal, whether we like it or not. When you are a senior executive you work for ten, twelve or even fifteen hours and you feel “Suppose I had two hours more how nice it would be! I could do more to finish my work and life would be easier the next work day.”

After retirement, we have twenty four hours and nothing to do! Result – misery and this is one thing one likes to spread! No man wants to be miserable alone. He will make as many people miserable as he can. A man who has nothing to do will harass people around him. Turning on head the Benthamite principle of maximization of welfare—maximisation of 'ill-fare'!

There are two solutions to this problem.

One is to continue to do the same work one was doing at the time of retirement.

The first option is very convenient but where is such an opportunity for the majority? There is the temptation to wangle out an extension but this does lead to compromising principles which many succumb to regrettably. I have seen Senior Officers accepting jobs as liaison officers and standing outside the office cubicle of their subordinates and seek favours from them.But how long-lasting is this solution? Extension merely postpones the problem. It crops up again quite swiftly.

The second option is to do something different, i.e. option to get another job.

An executive can get another job provided he is willing to sacrifice self-respect. Generally jobs are given by the previous employer’s suppliers or may be found in other organizations. In commercial organizations, officers are employed to get orders and collect bills speedily from their previous employers. So you will agree that this is no solution.

All of you are aware that the book Bard of Avon - William Shakespeare wrote of the “Seven Stages of Man”. Modern psychologists have abridged it to four and these are thus.

Before finding a girl — Spiderman

After engagement ------ Superman

10 years after marriage - Watchman

20 years after marriage - Doberman

                                                                                      

After this lighter side I revert to post-retired life. The retired official is likely to fall into four dysfunctional time options.

The first is “Withdrawal”

Many retired people, the day they retire from their job, withdraw from Life and within a few months they just pass away. When you ask a doctor he will tell you I can give a medical term but this is a case of “simple lack of will to live”.

The second time management option is “ritual”

A person can create a ritual for himself. He gets up at a specific time, does different activities at a specific time and this invariably results in misery for others if that specific time frame is not adhered to. While he has in essence nothing to do, he is trying to make his activities meaningful. This leads to a meaningless ritual.

The third option is Pastime

Many people get together and embark on a combined ritual which is called pastime. This too does not add to the meaningfulness of life.

The last option turns out to be even mischievous

It is playing games — not physical ones like badminton, tennis but psychological ones where you try to manipulate people, get into their problems, complicate them and generally enlarge the tension around you. Many a respectable person indulges in this and creates problems where none existed.

The alternative to these are Functional options

The first is become a Consultant.

Lurking inside every executive is a Consultant. But for this, considerable expertise is required. Not everyone can be successful as a consultant.

The second option is to start your own Business or Industry.

But this calls for entrepreneurial qualities which an executive may lack. Many are also faced with the finances to start and sustain a business and stay profitable.

                                  

The third option is to involve oneself in professional activities.

For this, one must build up one’s position even before retirement. Many cliques operate to prevent outsiders from encroachment.

                                                                                          

The fourth is to get into spiritual activities.

While nobody is required between you and God, nowadays, we find more and more godmen, swamijis, pseudo Gurus some even US returned. There is a temptation to follow some Swamiji or even become one yourself. This is a very slippery slope. Beware –there are more hoaxes in the religious field than anywhere else!

The last and most meaningful option is to cultivate a Hobby.

Use your creative abilities and do something that you enjoy doing. You should start this even while in service.

We live in three Boxes.

First is the Box of Learning, which starts from birth and goes on till 20 plus.

Second  is the Box of Work which commences at 20 plus and goes on up to 58 or 60—the age of retirement.

Third is the Box of Leisure.

When we are in the Box of Work what is significant is Status, Prestige, Power—all these we aspire for and it is what we get from working life. The more we get, the happier we are. The day we retire, we move into Box 3—the one of Leisure. If we have to enjoy this we have to change our psychological position and appreciate creativity, autonomy and integrity. When you were a small child of two or three, did status, prestige or money mean anything? What you wanted was autonomy, creativity. A child is always creative. It enjoys creativity. One example. When visitors come you ask your child, “Pushpa -Sing 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'”. She will not sing. You shout at her. You tell your visitors proudly she is three only and knows twelve nursery songs. The moment the guests are gone and your maid comes for cleaning, your daughter will sing to her all the twelve songs. The child has its own values!

By the time we enter the Box of Work, values change. We are not taught to respect our autonomy but fall in line—conformity is the rule. If the son plays the violin, his mother will come and tell him, “Playing the Violin now? Study now. Your exam is coming and you must do well. Getting into university and getting a good education is so very important. Life is competitive, dear son.”

When we enter the Box of Leisure, values change. Your psychological position has to change too. New values of creativity, integrity and autonomy emerge. Hobbies are an excellent way of getting Leisure Value. Everybody must identify his hobby that he can enjoy. Don't bother about Power, Prestige and Status.

An individual can live in one box only or interchange or combine the boxes. You can have learning, work and leisure together. One can even take up a hobby that is financially productive. As time passes one learns.

The real problem of retirement is that people refuse to face the problem. The mantra is “Let us cross the bridge when we come to it.” This is not correct and is not encouraged. Since we live in three Boxes we must prepare ourselves for crossing from one to the other. Structuring our time is the prime requirement. In the beginning, you are contributing to Value. Think of Transfer Value. After retirement you can think of Leisure Value. Develop good hobbies which incorporates your creativity, autonomy and integrity. I have taken to writing. (Rajaji, Kalam and H R F Keating.)

                                    

You will lead a happy life.

Retirement is not adding “Years to your Life but adding Life to your Years”.Retirement is not a calamity but an opportunity.

I would like to advocate some basic qualities one must cultivate.

There are two ways to look at every situation in life. Is the cup half empty or is the cup half full. One man was not worried about him becoming bald. He declared “I have less hair to comb!” Another man in an identical situation moaned, “I have more face to wash!”

                                                                             

Always remember that you are loved, even when it does not seem like it.

 

Believe in yourself and your values.

Don’t sell out when things go wrong.

Don’t let anything get you down. Always bounce back.

Set goals for your future and never settle for anything less.

Realise that there are others in this world with bigger problems than you.

Appreciate the good things of life - Sunrise, Sunset, Flowers, Birds, Good Healthy Food, Exercise, Travel etc.

Be thankful for the good times you have with your loved ones.

Spend more time with your family and friends. Make new friends with younger people.

Appreciate the simple things of Life and don’t get caught up in the material things of life.

Be an optimist and see the Cup as being Half Full.

Before long, your attitude will rub of on others.

You can make the world a better place to live by simply making yourself a happier person.

Let me conclude with an allegorical story.

First God created the Cow and said, “You must go with farmer daily to the field all day long and suffer under the Sun, have calves, give milk and help the farmer. I give you a span of sixty years.” The Cow said, “That’s surely tough. Give me only twenty years. I give back forty years.”

On Day Two God created the Dog and told him, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at strangers. I give you a span of twenty years.” The Dog said, “Too long time for barking. I give up ten years.”

On the third day God created the Monkey and said to him, “Entertain people. Make them laugh. I give you Twenty years.” The Monkey said to God, “How boring, Monkey tricks for twenty years. Give me only Ten years”. Lord agreed.

On the fourth day God created Man. He told him, “Eat, sleep, play, enjoy and do nothing. I will give you twenty years.”

Man said, “Only twenty years. No way. I will take my Twenty and give me the Forty the cow gave back, the Ten that the Monkey returned, and the Ten the Dog surrendered. That makes eighty. OK?” OK said God.

That is why for the first twenty years we sleep, play, enjoy and do nothing.

For the next forty years we slave in the sun and at work to support our family.

For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Thank you all, may you all live to a 100. God Bless .

The farmer

From My InBox:

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. 
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. 

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband
to defend me..

How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall,
pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens,
and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top
of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Women live longer than men. Need proof?

Women live longer than men.  Need proof?  Watch this.

From My InBox:

Sharing photos? Disable geotagging feature first!

If you own one, you are most likely aware that your smartphone use GPS location services to enable you to get to unfamiliar places you are driving to.  It works through a geotagging feature that can put your family members in danger if you are sharing photographs online as it can record the precise geographical information of the photos.

So, remember to disable the geotagging feature in your smartphone when you are taking photos you plan on sharing to avoid being traced to the exact location.  For more information about this, watch the following video I received and read this article "Smartphone Pictures Pose Privacy Risks?".

From My InBox:

WARNING!!!! If you take photos with your cell phone