THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON

From My InBox:

"Now son you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys and kids with fake IDs."

"Marge it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Marge don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city keeping its speed over 50and if its speed changed it would explode! I think it was called'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"

"I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life:
Number one'Cover for me.'
Number two'Ohgood idea boss.'
Number three'It was like that when I got here.'"

"Marge you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear BabyWelcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why you could wake up dead tomorrow. Wellgood night."

"Son when you participate in sporting events it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Lisa if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Lisa if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin' did you?"

"Television - teacher mother secret lover!"

"Maybe just once someone will call me 'sir' without adding 'you're making a scene.'"