Monday, June 28, 2010

What a week !!!

From InBox:

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having
sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's
status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to
stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to
arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to
her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'


TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'


The preacher said, 'No shit?'


WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack
of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'


'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'


THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old
husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing
him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had
anything to say in her own defence.

'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
he could fly.'


FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put
into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'


SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired
woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm
and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His
buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner
him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies,
'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask.
'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob
replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'


SUNDAY


Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland .. As
they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a
lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are
the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then
asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

BEAUTIFUL & TOUCHING

My InBox:

My wife called, 'How long will you be with that newspaper? Will you come here and make your darling daughter eat her food?

I tossed the paper away and rushed to the scene. My only daughter, Sindu, looked frightened; tears were welling up in her eyes. In front of her was a bowl filled to its brim with curd rice. Sindu is a nice child, quite intelligent for her age.

I cleared my throat and picked up the bowl. 'Sindu, darling, why don't you take a few mouthful of this curd rice? Just for Dad's sake, dear'.

Sindu softened a bit and wiped her tears with the back of her hands.
'Ok, Dad. I will eat - not just a few mouthfuls, but the whole lot of this. But, you should...' Sindu hesitated. 'Dad, if I eat this entire curd Rice, will you give me whatever I ask for?'

'Promise'. I covered the pink soft hand extended by my daughter with mine, and clinched the deal. Now I became a bit anxious.. 'Sindu, dear, you shouldn't insist on getting a computer or any such expensive items. Dad does not have that kind of money right now. Ok?'

'No, Dad. I do not want anything expensive'. Slowly and painfully, she finished eating the whole quantity. I was silently angry with my wife and my mother for forcing my child to eat something that she detested.

After the ordeal was through, Sindu came to me with her eyes wide with expectation. All our attention was on her.

'Dad, I want to have my head shaved off, this Sunday!' was her demand.

'Atrocious!' shouted my wife, 'A girl child having her head shaved off? Impossible!'

'Never in our family!' My mother rasped. 'She has been watching too much of television. Our culture is getting totally spoiled with these TV programs!'

'Sindu, darling, why don't you ask for something else? We will be sad seeing you with a clean-shaven head.'

'Please, Sindu, why don't you try to understand our feelings?' I tried to plead with her.

'Dad, you saw how difficult it was for me to eat that Curd Rice'.
Sindu was in tears. 'And you promised to grant me whatever I ask for.
Now, you are going back on your words. Was it not you who told me the story of King Harishchandra, and its moral that we should honor our promises no matter what?'

It was time for me to call the shots. 'Our promise must be kept.'

'Are you out of your mind?' chorused my mother and wife.

'No. If we go back on our promises, she will never learn to honour her own.. Sindu, your wish will be fulfilled.'

With her head clean-shaven, Sindu had a round-face, and her eyes looked big and beautiful.

On Monday morning, I dropped her at her school. It was a sight to watch my hairless Sindu walking towards her classroom. She turned round and waved. I waved back with a smile. Just then, a boy alighted from a car, and shouted, 'Sinduja, please wait for me!' What struck me was the hairless head of that boy. 'May be, that is the in-stuff', I thought.

'Sir, your daughter Sinduja is great indeed!' Without introducing herself, a lady got out of the car, and continued, 'that boy who is walking along with your daughter is my son Harish. He is suffering
from... leukemia'. She paused to muffle her sobs. 'Harish could not attend the school for the whole of the last month. He lost all his hair due to the side effects of the chemotherapy. He refused to come back to school fearing the unintentional but cruel teasing of the schoolmates. Sinduja visited him last week, and promised him that she will take care of the teasing issue. But, I never imagined she would sacrifice her lovely hair for the sake of my son! Sir, you and your wife are blessed to have such a noble soul as your daughter.'

I stood transfixed and then, I wept. 'My little Angel, you are teaching me how selfless real love is!'

The happiest people on this planet are not those who live on their own
terms but are those who change their terms for the ones whom they love.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Fathers v/s Mothers

From My InBox:

There was this family with one kid. One day the mother was out and dad was in charge of the kid, who just turned three.

Someone had given the kid a little 'tea set' as a birthday gift and it was one of his favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when kid brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea from father, kid’s Mom came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch the kid bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

Mom waited, and sure enough, the kid comes down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

....Mothers know

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Domain knowledge is very important!!! Else your supplier will trick you......

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Be Well Happy

Vedanta Mission helps you save some cost on medication by sharing what Dr. Dráuzio Varella has to say on "The Art of Feeling Well".

Telamonia dimidiata

Before you start lifting up public toilet seats, go to the following link on Snopes and you will read the same message except that it happened in Chicago.

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/insects/telamonia.asp

From My InBox:

Hi folks, its better to be safe than sorry. So, just be careful when using the looooooo.
Thanks James forwarding this information

Please pay attention to this article. It is of utmost importance.

Three women in KL turned up at hospitals over a 5-day period,
all with the same symptoms - fever, chills, vomiting, followed by muscular collapse, paralysis and finally,death.
There were no outward signs of trauma. Autopsy results showed toxicity in the blood. These women did not know each other, and seemed to have nothing in common.

It was discovered, however, that they had all visited a same restaurant along Jalan Kuchai Lama within days of their deaths. The health department descended on the restaurant, shutting it down. The food, water and air conditioning were all inspected and tested, to no avail.

The big break came when a waitress at the restaurant was rushed to the hospital with similar symptoms. She told doctors that she had been on vacation, and had only went to the restaurant to pick up her check. She did not eat or drink while she was there, but had used the restroom.

That is when one toxicologist, remembering an article he had read, drove up to the restaurant, went into the restroom and lifted the toilet seat. Under the seat, out of normal view, was a small spider. The spider was captured and brought back to the lab,where it was determined to be the Two-Striped Telamonia (Telamonia dimidiata), so named because of its reddened flesh color. This spider's venom is extremely toxic but can take several days to take effect. They live in cold, dark, damp climates, and toilet rims provide just the right atmosphere.

Several days later, a lawyer from JB showed up at a hospital emergency room.. Before his death, he told the doctor that he had been away on business, had taken a flight from Indonesia , changing planes in Singapore , before returning home. He did not visit the restaurant while there. He did, as did all of the other victims, have what was determined to be a puncture wound, on his right buttock.

Investigators discovered that the flight he was on had originated in India .. The Civilian Aeronautics Board (CAB) ordered an immediate inspection of the toilets of all flights from India , and discovered the Two-Striped Telamonia (Telamonia dimidiata) spider's nests on four different planes!

It is now believed that these spiders can be anywhere in the country. So please, before you use a public toilet, lift the seat to check for spiders.

It can save your life! And please pass this on to everyone you care about.

P Susthitha Menon (Susi)
Photonics Technology Laboratory
Department of Electrical, Electronics and System Engineering
Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia
( National University of Malaysia )
43600 UKM Bangi
Selangor Darul Ehsan.

Monday, June 14, 2010

What is a grandparent?

From My InBox:

If you are not a grandparent you will still love this. If you are it shows how precious the babies are and what we mean to them.

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own.
They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have
television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA
LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE
TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS
HIM!

It' funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Send this to other grandparents, almost grandparents, or heck, send it to everyone. It will make their day.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The Wheels of Life

From My InBox:

Dna Of A Writer

Do you aspire to be a writer? Learn from Kurt Frenier how not to be a wanna be.

Pilots weather

From My InBox:

New Toyota Model

From My InBox:

for your guidance

From My InBox:

Bank Rakyat Credit Card Scam

Note this crime alert. This message is from someone I know personally.

========================================================================
From My InBox:

Dear All,

I myself just received a call this morning purported from someone who is from the Bank Rakyat Credit Card Centre by the name of Jimmy Leong who said that I have a credit card which I ask to increase my credit limit. I was surprise because I do not have any credit card from Bank Rakyat. I told him that I do not own any card from Bank Rakyat and he acted quite surprise and I ask him to double confirm my name and he confirm it as my name according to my IC. He told me that transaction amounting to RM9750.00 were use from this card in China in April and incidentally I went to China in April. He even leave me a purported Bank Rakyat number which is for me to contact them as 03-26988899 extension 1106 which is suppose to be the Card Centre.

I further enquire on the date and address this card was applied and it was in an address in Miri Sarawak and I told him that I have not been to Miri before and the address sound alien to me and I really thought someone might have use my IC to apply for a Credit card.

Now what happen next is very interesting, he tole he he had stopped and cancelled the card immediately and ask that I made a report to Bank Negara and he even gave me the Bank Negara phone number as 03-27826822 and ask that I report to Bank Negara and get a letter from them to waive this RM9750.00.

I called this so call Bank Negara number and the greeting sound exactly like Bank Negara Greeting with " Terima Kasih kerana memangil Bank Negara Malaysia, untuk Bahasa Malaysia sila tekan 1, for English Press 2.........." Someone pick up and ask for my name and phone number and said that they need to record that conversation and they would call me back on the phone number I have given to them, but so far no one called me.

I began to feel uneasy waiting for Bank Negara to call me and I call back this Bank Rakyat and no one pick up from that number. My wife went on the internet and found another Bank Rakyat number and it is not the same number from what was given and I called to verify that that was not their number and they also verify that Bank Negara number is not that number given and they said that it might be a scam and only that moment it appears to me that it was a scam.

I call up Bank Negara and the officer told me that they have received a lot a this complain from Bank Rakyat and even using other names such as Am Bank etc. and this is a scam and the Modus Operanti is that they will call my number again to ask for my bank infor or my card info and even ask you to change your Pin number and immediately you change the number all your money in your bank would be gone, accordingly so far the highest lost is from one individual amounting to RM250,000.00. The officer ask me to pass this information around so that we will not give our information out to these people.

SO watch out and they might call you someday and it happen to me here in SL today and it can also happen to you too.

So beware and be warned, they sound very real and convincing !!

Must try Penang Hawker Foods

From My InBox: