What a week !!!

From InBox:

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having
sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's
status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to
stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to
arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to
her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'


TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'


The preacher said, 'No shit?'


WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack
of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'


'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'


THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old
husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing
him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had
anything to say in her own defence.

'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
he could fly.'


FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put
into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'


SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired
woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm
and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His
buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner
him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies,
'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask.
'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob
replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'


SUNDAY


Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland .. As
they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a
lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are
the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then
asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!