Cockpit newer procedures

From My InBox:

 

People in sunny places...

A Confucius saying that we may have missed, "People who live in sunny places take shadows for granted".

From My InBox:

Insurance Fee

From My InBox:

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:

"Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00."

Oz army

From My InBox:
    ----- Life in the Australian  Army... Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west  of  Queensland )  

Dear Mum &  Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. 
No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to  stack - nothin'!! Ya haz  gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!  

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez it's only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!!  You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya  gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be  real careful coz they break easy -  it's not  like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and  Boori and Steve  and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before  word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

Made for safety?

I usually find designs for strollers interesting but this one...  Is this supposed to be funny?

From My InBox:

The latest stroller for toddlers made for safety?

Strange signboard

Either way, you die.

From My InBox:

First woman on the moon

From My InBox:

"Houston we have a problem"

What?

"Never mind."

What's the problem?

"Nothing."

Please tell us!

"I'm fine."

Funny PUB Signs

From My InBox:

 

Making a living with passion.

What can you do if all you have is passion to make a living?  Paulette is happy making USD12 per hour creating this in Mexico.

Senior computer skills

Am I supposed to laugh at myself?

From My InBox:             

Tech  support:    What kind of computer do you  have?

Customer:           A white one...

Tech support:     Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the  left of the screen.

Customer:           Your  left or my left?

  

  ************************     

Customer:    Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it  says 'can't find printer'.

I've even lifted the  printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the  computer still says he can't find  it..

  *************************       

Customer:         My keyboard  is not working anymore.

Tech  support:   Are you sure it's plugged  into the  computer?

Customer:          No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech  support:   Pick up your keyboard and  walk 10 paces  back.

Customer:           OK

Tech  support:   Did the keyboard come with  you?

Customer:           Yes

Tech support:   That means the keyboard  is not plugged  in.

  *************************     

Customer:            I can't get on the Internet.

Tech  support:     Are you sure you  used the right  password?

Customer:            Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do  it.

Tech   support:   Can you tell me what the  password  was?

Customer:           Five dots.

  *************************     

Tech   support: What anti-virus program do you  use?

Customer:          Netscape.

Tech  support:   That's not an anti-virus  program.

Customer:          Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..

   *************************     

Customer:     I have a huge problem.  A friend has placed a screen saver on my  computer, but every time I move the mouse, it  disappears.

  *************************     

Tech  support:    How may I help  you?

Customer:           I'm writing my first email.

Tech  support:   OK, and what seems to be the  problem?

Customer:          Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little  circle around it?

  *************************     

This one and the  next   are our personal  favorites!  

A woman customer  called the Canon help desk with a problem with her  printer.

Tech  support:    Are you running it  under  windows?

Customer:   'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good  point.

The man sitting in the cubicle next to me  is under a window, and his printer is working  fine.'

     ************************      

And last but      not least!  

Tech   support:    'Okay Bob, let's  press  the control and escape keys at the same time.

That  brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.  Now type the  letter 'P' to bring up the Program  Manager.'

Customer:          I don't have a P.

Tech   support: On your keyboard,  Bob.

Customer:          What do you mean?

Tech  support:     'P'.....on your  keyboard,  Bob.

Customer: I'M  NOT GOING TO DO  THAT

Problem with Viagra

I almost missed the joke.

From My InBox:

Teachers' Role

This is what teachers should do.



Parents too.

The can of worms

A  minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate  syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. 

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . ..  Dead.

The  second worm in cigarette smoke . . Dead!

 

Third  worm in chocolate syrup . . . Dead!.

Fourth  worm in good clean soil . .  Alive! 

So  the Minister asked the congregation,
"So, my friends? What  did you learn from this demonstration?"

 

Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .

"As  long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you  won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!

Today  is International Disturbed People's Day.

Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend...
Just  as I've done.

"Hang  in there sunshine, you're special!"

The ultimate golf game

From My InBox:

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of his Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf, to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought this was a good idea; but, he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked. "None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied, "but there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can first make him a Cardinal, Then we will ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. Of course, Nicklaus was honored, and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican " I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said Cardinal Nicklaus. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "There's bad news?" the Pope asked. "Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

The Perfect Password

From My InBox:

If you were to go first...

From My InBox:

Now that they are retired, Sally and James were discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" James asked Sally.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Sally asked James, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

Sued for laughing

From My InBox:

Sued for laughing
This is from an actual trial in the UK.

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat & he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more, she filed a court case on him.

In the court the Man's defence was:

"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.   She sat under an advertisement, which read 'Coming Soon- The unknown boon'.
I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's stick did the trick'."

"Then I could not control myself any longer, when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'
The case was dismissed... the judge fell off his chair laughing....

Arrogance of Authority

From My InBox:

A DEA  (Drug Enforcement Agency) officer stopped

at a ranch in Texas , and  talked with an old  rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect  your ranch for

illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but  don't go in  that field over there.....",

as he pointed out the  location.

The  DEA officer verbally exploded saying,

" Mister, I  have the authority of  the

Federal Government of the United States of America with me!"

Reaching  into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant

officer removed his badge and  proudly displayed it to the  rancher.

"See this f*****g badge? This badge means I am allowed to

go wherever I  wish.... On any land!

No questions asked or answers given!

Have I made myself clear? ...... Do you understand?"

The rancher then nodded politely,

apologized and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams,

looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life,

being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer,

and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before

he reached safety.

The  officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his  tools,

ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.

                 

(I just  love this  part....) 

     

   

"Your  badge!

Show him your f*****g BADGE........ !"

Jokes from Around the World

From My InBox:

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain 
So that they can see their own doctor.
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Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of 
Humus and Taramasalata.   It's a double dip recession.
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A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are 
busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".------------------------------------------
63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. 
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed..
The police are blaming AL IKEA .----------------------------------------
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. 
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
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Police stop a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. Policeman says "Do 
You know the limit is 70?" 

The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that........3 of you have got to
Get out!"----------------------------------------

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them.. 
"Balls to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"

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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas ison Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

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My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.  Turns out she was a Slovak.

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Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window.  If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

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I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.  To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

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Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......

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Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots......

Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

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Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.  Both in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka!

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In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern Europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead, bicycles, prams and scrap metal.

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Sailing results are in:  USA took gold, GB took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .

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An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan.  He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats!  It's doing well!  Prophets are going through the roof!!

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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'  He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

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An elderly couple are in church.  About halfway through the service, the Wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

A Quote from Sholam Aleichem

More of Sholam Aleichem can be found at http://quotesgram.com/sholem-aleichem-quotes/

From My InBox:

ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

From MY InBox:

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good
memory.... 
I don't remember what I chose. 

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom
factory. 

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..." 

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
'don't' and 
'stop', unless they are used together. 

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on
earth. 

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and
Try 
Weakly. 

8. Virginity can be cured. 

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity. 

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good
partner, you better have a good hand. 

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small. 

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was
happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing. 

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't. 

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes. 

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many
men still sleep with their wives!

A Loving Wife……..

From My InBox:

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

... 

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.

Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

In a lousy mood?

How do you look when you are in a lousy mood??  Possibly like this.

From My InBox: