Funny and Thought-Provoking

From the Laughter Club: When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land. ~ Desmond Tutu ***** America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman ***** I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I'm a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes ***** After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Italian proverb ***** The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr ***** When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip ***** Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford ***** Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall ***** Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand. ***** Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger. ***** We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ W.H. Auden ***** If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson ***** I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke ***** Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin ***** Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante ***** As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn ***** The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts ***** If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters